THE BROTHER'S BASH

Welcome, all you first time readers out there. This is a wrestling column with a twist: it's written by two brothers who love wrestling.

J: Howdy, I'm Jeremy, the older brother.

B: And I'm Benjy, the younger brother.

J: You might be wondering: "Say, what's up with all the goings on lately at the ol' WWF?" We aim to address such things, each one with tender loving care, hearfelt emotion, and scathing wit.

B: Not everyone "gets" your sense of humor.

J: Perhaps. Or perhaps you're jealous of my ability to enjoy hours of television without foaming at the mouth?

B: The two of us have been paying close attention to the events that have been happening since Wrestlemania. Based on the RAW results of Monday, I'd like to make a few predictions.

Let us take you back to last Monday night...

The Undertaker, Kane, and the Big Show face off, while feuds appear between Jericho, Regal, Benoit, and Angle.
Rhyno continues to cut a path of destruction, until interrupted by Harcore Holly.
The Dudleys face off against the newly formed X-Factor.
Linda McMahon wants a divorce.
Raven is defeated by the combined efforts of the RTC.
The Hardy Boyz angrily face off against HHH and Austin.

B: Well, a few obvious predictions first. It seems quite clear, due to my many years of watching wrestling, that a feud's brewing that will lead up to a tag-match on Backlash of Kurt Angle & The Big Show VS The Undertaker & Kane. Angle and Show will play the interfering game until then, screwing with the Doom Brothers' matches, until at Backlash, when the brothers will smash the alliance.

J: Hmm, interesting. Wrong, of course. I'm seeing a special kind of elimination match being arranged by none other that TV's Vince McMahon at Backlash between these three Behemoths. The Deadman CEO, The Big Green Machine, and the Huge Showmobile will face off in a match to determine the new Hardcore Championship. The catch? They will be limited to using other, smaller, wrestlers as weapons, such as Kaientai and K-Kwik. My predictions? At Backlash, Kane will leap ahead when he uses the newly returned 700-pound Rikishi to crush the skull of the Show, while the Taker is busy fending off the newly returned Viscera.

B: Uh, well, anything's possible, I guess.

J: Dang straight.

B: Moving right along, it would seem obvious that Edge, Christian, and Rhyno are gearing up for a feud with the Hollys. This South Marylander predicts many a gore and conchairto.

J: First of all, it's ConSPAREto, and second, it's not a "gore", it's an Inverted Rhyno Spear. And this South Marylander predicts that Rhyno will team with Molly Holly to take the others down a peg or four. I also predict a new double team move between the two of them, perhaps the "Molly Spear" or the "Rhyno Flip" for example.

B: Rhyno Flip? What would that be, Rhyno flipping? It's been done.

J: Like Mark Henry it has. Besides, I'd like to give my prediction for some other tag teams: the Dudleys and X-Factor.

B: Uh, okay, knock yourself out.

J: You'd love that, wouldn't you. Then you could write the column all by yourself. Tsk, tsk, I am ashamed.

B: Well, my pick for those teams are continued tensions, coming to a close when the Dudleys trap some or all of the members of X-Factor into slamming through a table out of the ring. There will not be any Pay-Per-View match between them.

J: I disagree. There will indeed be a match, and at Backlash. It will be a standard table match, but with a twist: The winners are the first not to be sent through a table.

B: Uh, how exactly would that work? Oh, never mind, I wouldn't expect it make sense anyway. I'd like to touch on the Linda McMahon situation.

J: Yeah, like who was that guy in the crowd whose hand she slapped on her way out on RAW? Are they having an affair? Could this "Mystery Fan" be involved in some sort of future PPV match between Shane and MystFan? This old Marylander thinks so. And did you see Vince going for the hug, only to be dissed? How dare she?!

B: In my opinion, that wasn't enough. She should've kicked him where it hurts: in the grapefruits! Ouch, score one for the Benjinator!

J: And hey, what's with all the talk about grapefruits? Why didn't Mick Foley serve Linda a bucket of okra?

B: Speaking of okra, I could sure go for some okra casserole right now.

J: You and your casseroles. Anyway, getting back to wrestling, I predict a Backlash grapefruit match facing off Vince, Stephanie, and HHH vs Linda, Shane, and Mick Foley.

B: Yes, and about Mick Foley, I think that with this newfound surprising divorce, I think the WWF will split in half, and Linsa will use her half to appoint Foley, as well as recruiting othet wrestlers. This will culminate in a later pay-per-view encounter between the two halves.

J: Fascinating. But you fail to take into account that this will be the McMahon's second divorce, which means that Linda will only get half of the WWF in terms of wrestlers. For example. she'll get Rock's eyebrow, HHH's right knee, and Stephanie's hair. Vince will keep his okra and JR will keep his hat.

B: And speaking of powerful pairs, look at what's happening between Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit. I predict one will become the next anti-corporation star and the other will continue a feud with Regal. My guess? Jericho against the corporation, and Benoit against Regal.

J: Interesting wrong theory. It's silliness makes me laugh heartily. HA HA HA! Benoit will face Vince in a submission match soon, while Regal will team up with Jericho and Edge & Christian to form the "Blonde Bandits" who will take on a newly hairy Austin and HHH at Backlash.

B: Regal as a bandit? Never! He's too much a classy gentlemen. Besides, he can't take part in any alliance. He'd be too busy waving at the crowd.

J: Touche, old bean. Care for a spot of Jericho Tea?

B: No thank you. I would never trust a blonde to manufacture any products. Oh, another Benjy Slam!

J: Speaking of slams, what about Raven? What are your thoughts on the RTC situation?

B: I believe that although Raven does not believe he wants to be part of any group, he needs it to boost his career. Therefore, I propose the thought that Raven will have a match against an RTC member, with the stipulation that if he loses, he must join the RTC. Somehow, RTC will cheat, and soon after Raven will come out spouting that he's found "his way."

J: (in Michael Cole voice) And Right To Censor steals one!

B: Precisely.

J: Nah, I don't think so. I predict a special Garbage Can match with Raven against all of RTC. The only stipulation will that only two garbage cans will be in use, and the only people who can fight will be the ones with the cans. Raven will clean up.

B: And speaking of garbage, that's what it looked like for Team Xtreme at the close of Raw, battered and bruised. I predict many more six-men tag team matches over the next few weeks, between Team Evil and Team Xtreme, with JR interfering mainly when Stone Cold's in the ring. Stephanie and Lita will split from their teams to have their own feud that will last longer that the guy's feud.

J: Hmm. Well, I'm predicting a match between Stone Cold and JR. Can you guess who'll call the match?

B: Well, I can only think of one man for the job. Good ol' JR.

J: Interesting point. I wonder how that would go...

A Match for the Ages...

And here comes JR into the ring, and here comes Austin, pummeling JR with kick after kick.
It's not looking good for my good friend Jim Ross. Ross goes for a punch, but somehow Austin knew!
What a painful looking Thesz Press on the announcer, folks. Austin is a sick, sadistic monster, pure and simple.
Oh, wait, here it comes, Stunner! Stunner! And it's all over! 1-2 But wait, JR kicks out! What strength, what spirit.
You gotta admire this Oklahoman, folks. But Austin don't look pleased. JR has been slipped a chair by Lilian Garcia,
but somehow Austin knew! Oh no, Austin just slammed JR into the ground so he can go after Lilian.
Ladies and gentlemen, this Austin is a sick, sadistic monster.

B: Nah.

J: I don't know, I think it has potential.

B: And now for Benjy's Moment of the Week. Jeremy, take us back to the fateful Chris on Chris match.

J: You got it. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and Regal is drinking tea. Next thing you know, he's refereeing the match. The match proceeds smoothly, until SLAM! Regal is put into a double submission with the Walls of Crossface!

B: The bell's sounding, but the two monsters don't let him go! Those sick fiends! How can Regal be saved? The bell sounds, and that means only one thing. Here come the referees! The referees always can handle - but wait, they still won't let him go. They should bring back Sgt. Slaughter.

J: I second that.

B & J's Lines of the Night:

"The Undertaker looks small" (Ross, comparing him to the Big Show)
Well I guess he's shrinking. He used to be a seven foot monster, now he's only 6'11.

"Almost engulfs the Undertaker!" (Ross, chastising the Big Show)
Yum, Yum.

"Undertaker Take Me For A Ride" (Two signs with the same message appearing in row)
The new ride at Six Flags Graveyard. It'll make ya puke.

"What's with people not wanting to be hugged tonight?" (Heyman, about Linda's hugging phobia)
Sounds like Paul needs some tender loving care from his good friend JR.

"What a sick human being" (Ross, about Austin's sick sadistic kneecap)
He must be burning up! JR, send him to be with a cup of tea and some hot soup.

"Rocky" (Chant that confuses Austin)
Hey, I thought Rock was on vacation uh I mean suspended.

Well, folks, that's our column. Hope you liked it, so long and Happy Passover!
See our column at J Wire's Wrestling