Soun Tendo had just finished an exhilarating morning cry, and
felt
refreshed and ready to face the day. He casually waltzed down the
stairs and saw Kasumi in the kitchen, already at work abuzz
making breakfast,
lunch, and dinner for the next few weeks.
With a rush of emotion, Soun allowed himself a quick sob. Wiping
his
eyes, he sauntered past Nabiki in the living room, already at
work abuzz
making calculations of how to get the most money from the most
people in the
least amount of time. Feeling only slightly less proud, Soun let
a few
streams of tears escape his weary eyes.
As he passed the dojo, he gazed upon Akane, already at work abuzz
making
short work of the poor practice dummy as she repeatedly slammed
it in
the groin.(1)
His heart filling up, he thought: What wonderful daughters I have!
I am truly blessed.
He made his way over to the stand and picked up the mail, letting
the
junk mail and bills fall to the floor. Then, seeing a postcard,
he
pulled it out with a flourish. As he carefully read the card, his
blissfully happy expression slowly changed into an all-out
hundred-watt
grin. He ran back to the main complex of the house.
"Kasmui! Nabiki! Oh, and Akane, too! Come quick! Hurry! Make
haste! Come on,
girls! Time's a wasting!" As he waited to catch his breath,
his
daughters slowly filed into the room, Kasumi carrying a delicious
freshly-baked
pie, Nabiki a delicious, fresh sheet of figures, and Akane a
delicious,
fresh, uh, eh, a fresh sheen of sweat covering her, uh, sweaty
figure? (2)
Soun grinned at his three daughters. "I have some
unbelievably
wonderful news! Guess what?"
Only Kasumi asked "What?" in response, but Soun, unable
to stop his
forward momentum, kept going.
"My old friend Genma "Crazed Old Freak" Saotome is
coming
here, and . . ."
Soun paused for dramatic effect.
Kasumi smiled obliviously, Nabiki rolled her eyes, and Akane
gritted her
teeth.
"He's bringing his son Ranma! You see, we arranged, Genma
and I, to have
our school united by engaging our children. So he will become
fiance for
one of you!"
All three of his daughters faces changed into perturbed
expressions.
Nabiki bit her lower lip thoughtfully. "Is he cute or rich?
Because
that's all that really matters to a cold-hearted b(rhymes with
itch)
like me. Oops, did I say that out loud? Ahh!" Nabiki clapped
her hands over
her mouth. A tear peeked at the edge of Nabiki's eye. She hastily
dried it.
Kasumi frowned, ignoring Nabiki's outburst. "He's not
'young' is he?
Because younger men are so immature and they can never keep up
when it
counts, if you know what I mean."
Akane fumed and steamed, angered beyond belief. "What does
it matter?
He's male right? And a boy. Ergo: He deserves pain and
punishment," she
said, in the finest philosopher's tradition of logic.
Soun shrugged and looked at Kasumi and Nabiki. "I have no
idea." He
laughed to himself. "After all, I've never met him." A
chorus of "What's"
and thrown vases accosted Soun.
"Hey, don't kill the messenger! Only rats do that!"
While his daughters
tried to figure that one out, Soun took his leave of the room.
***
"Come, on, son, time's wasting!" People turned at the
loud commotion,
and saw a bald woman with glasses dragging a young boy. "We've
got
to be there by sundown."
"Or what, you'll turn into a reasonable human being?"
the boy muttered.
The woman punched him in the stomach.
"Quiet, son of mine. We have to reach the Tendo's . . . Oh
Shazbutt."
The woman cringed as the boy flared with an impressive battle
aura,
snorting, spitting, and pawing the ground.
"THE TENDOS?!?!?! You little twerp!! I oughta snap your
spine."
The woman shuddered. "Listen, boy. I understand why you feel
that
way, but you must get over your prejudices against the Tendos."
The boy gritted his teeth. "It's not like I had much of a
choice, did I?
You were the one who put me through that horrible training,
Tendo-ken-ai-jie, right, POP?"
The woman held her ears. "Boy, listen to me! Calm down! That
training
was for your own good!"
The boy snorted and glared at the woman. "Yeah right."
The woman looked in horror over her son's shoulder.
"What in the world is that?"
The boy whirled. "What?"
A lamp post to the head effectively ended the boy's protestations.
The woman sighed. "Sorry my boy, but it's for your own good."
She picked
up his comatose form and strode away.
***
Nabiki peeked her head into the dojo. "Daddy? Where are you
dear father
or mine? I need to ask you something important." Soun
cringed, and tried
to hide himself in the ceiling but fell down in a matter of
seconds.
Nabiki grinned evilly. "Oh sisters? I found him."
Instantly, Nabiki was
flanked by her siblings, each holding a weapon of choice, Akane a
mallet, Kasumi a frying pan, and Nabiki a chainsaw.
Soun grinned weakly. "Well you see. I mean. Well. Eh. Uh."
A knock
interrupted his dying tirade. "Phew. Saved by the bell.
Kasumi, dear
could you get that? And the rest of you, Company Rules, please!"
The younger Tendos groaned. "Oh ok."
Looking slightly put off, Kasumi came into the room followed by a
bald
and muscular woman dragging a unconscious boy across the floor,
gaining
him a healthy helping of splinters and mothballs.
Akane stared at the beaten boy and started to drool. "Oh
man, look at
his bruises, his cuts, his ripped clothing revealing his broken
bones.
Oh yeah! Uh, I gotta take a cold shower. See you in a few."
Nabiki stared at the staircase after Akane's quickly retreating
form.
"Wow. I never figured Akane went for that sort of thing, but
it sure
makes sense. Hmmm. I wonder how I can make money off of this."
The bald woman raced over to the bewildered Soun and got him in a
bone-crushing hug. "Soun, my oldest friend! It is I, Genma!"
Soun looked shocked and pushed her away. "Get away from me,
you vile
ugly woman!"
Fires erupted in Genma's eyes causing the ceiling to catch fire.
Genma
roared in Soun's face. "I am NO WOMAN!!! You hear me?!"
A torrent of
cold water interrupted the tirade (3) and triggered multiple
gasps, for in the place
of the unconscious boy was now a comatose and bruised panda.
The battered panda got to its feet and held up a sign: "I'm
Ranma Saotome. My
filthy father is sorry and responsible for this."
::TRIGGER FACE-VAULTS::
***
Looking from Heaven, she smacked herself in the face.
"Oy!" (4)
>>
Where am I going with this? You'll find out.
Panda 1/2
Chapter Two
The Fourth Wheel
Nabiki smirked. "Is it just me or did that panda/boy just
hold up a
sign?"
Soun and Kasumi said simultaneously, "It's you."
Genma looked at the Tendos and scratched her otherwise bald head.
"Uh, I think I'm missing something here."
Nabiki smirked widely, which threatened to split her face in two.
"You
sure are, Mrs. Saotome."
Genma growled. "For the last time, I am NO WOMAN! Now, may I
please
please have some hot water please? Please?"
Kasumi smiled. "Of course Mother Saotome." Kasumi
retreated into the
kitchen.
The panda rolled his eyes and held up a sign. "For me too
please."
Soun peered at Genma. "You know, if you were a little more
masculine,
like more muscles and smaller breasts, you actually would look
like a man, like
Genma, maybe."
Genma beamed with pride. "Thank you, Tendo. I appreciate
that."
Nabiki walked over to the panda and poked it in the stomach.
"Yep, a
panda all right."
Soun looked confused. "Was there ever any doubt?"
Nabiki sighed. "No, father, but you said we would get a
fiance, not a
pet."
She ignored the frantic "I'm no pet!!" sign.
"I want a handsome, virile, intelligent, and wealthy young
man for my
fiance. Not this monstrosity." She poked the panda again,
harder this time.
The panda growled and curled into a ball, knocking Nabiki into
her
father.
Soun started sobbing. "Why must all our guests knock my
daughters into
me?"
Nabiki got to her feet, dusting herself off. "What are you
talking
about? This is the first guest we've had in years."
Kasumi glided in with the hot water. Genma made a grab for it,
but Soun
grabbed her arm.
"Miss Saotome! You may be a woman, but no one may fondle my
daughter!"
Kasumi giggled. "Oh, father, Granny Saotome -"
Genma blanched. "Granny Saotome! I'm not that old!"
Kasumi continued. "Just wants her water, I'm sure. Here you
are,
Auntie Saotome."
She handed the water to Genma, who grabbed it greedily and poured
it
immediately over her head.
"YEOWCH!! That's boiling!"
The panda held out a sign. "Heh. It's your own fault, Pop,
for being
so impatient."
No one had noticed, though, because they were all staring at a
now male
Genma.
Kasumi was the first to speak. "Well, Grandfather Saotome,
perhaps
you'd like some hot water for your panda? Or should I say son?"
Genma grunted in approval. "Quite perceptive, isn't she,
Tendo?"
Tendo gaped at his old friend. "Uh, Saotome? My old friend?
Is that
really you?"
Genma grinned smugly. "Of course, Tendo." He turned to
Kasumi. "Thank
you my dear, I'm sure my son would appreciate some hot water."
Kasumi smiled and bobbed back into the kitchen.
Genma clapped Soun on the back. "Well, Tendo, I suppose
you'd like to
hear an explanation for all this, huh?"
Soun opened and closed his mouth a few times. "I . . . I
suppose that
could be useful. Nabiki, get your camera, please."
Nabiki had been heading up the stairs to get her camera when she
stopped
short.
"How'd he know I was going to get my camera? Ah, whatever."
Genma made himself comfortable on a nearby pillow. "Ah, the
story is
long and true, with danger at every turn, and barely any food at
all." A tear
ran down Genma's cheek.
Several more ran down Soun's. "How horrid! However did you
survive?"
Genma grunted and reached for a nearby conveniently plot-placed
apple.
"It wasn't easy, Tendo. I had to teach my boy many times
without food."
Genma prepared to take a large, healthy bite out of the ripe,
red, juicy
apple, when it was snatched by the panda, who promptly swallowed
it in one
bite.
The panda chuckled with a low grunting sound.
Genma's aura grew horns and a tail. "Why you insolent boy,
boy! I must
teach you a lesson in not-stealing-from-me-ever right now.
Anything Goes
Hunger Desperation Move: Give That Back!" With a roar, Genma
leaped at the
panda, who easily swatted the bald man into the conveniently
placed koi pond.
Genma-chan sputtered. "Now look what you did! I'm a weak
woman!" Nabiki
glared balefully at him. "Uh, no offense. Heh heh."
Kasumi came back into the room with a fresh pot of water.
The panda reached for it eagerly.
"NOOOO!" With an inhuman cry, Genma leaped into the
room, grabbing the
sizzling and calefacient kettle and dumping its contents onto
herself.
"YEEYOWWWCH!!!! THAT WAS REALLY HOT!!! SOUN!! WHAT IS
WRONG WITH YOUR DAUGHTERS?"
Nabiki cringed at the loud noise.
Kasumi held her hand to her mouth. "Oh my. I guess I better
boil up
some more hot water."
"Genma! Don't speak to my daughters that way! It wasn't
their fault!"
Soun roared, his face growing to demonic proportions.
A now male and smoking Genma shank back in terror. After Soun
calmed down,
he responded, still a bit shaky. "I'm sorry old friend, I
meant no
intentional harm, it was just the heat that startled me."
Soun laughed heartily. "No problem. How about a game of
Shogi while we
wait?"
Genma clapped Soun the back. "I was just about to suggest
the very
thing!"
The two retreated to the game table.
Nabiki rolled her eyes and turned to the panda. "Is your
father always
like this?"
The panda held up a sign. "Usually he's worse."
Nabiki cringed. "Ooh, tough break, huh?"
Kasumi walked back into the room with yet another kettle of hot
water.
The panda got up and started to walk cautiously over to Kasumi.
Akane ran down the stairs. "Hey, Kasumi, where's my - AAAH!!!
A
PANDA!!" (5)
She jumped off the railing and hid behind Kasumi, shivering
uncontrollably, knocking the kettle onto the floor.
The panda rolled its eyes. "Will I ever get some hot water?"
Nabiki smirked. "It doesn't look too promising."
Kasumi bit her lip and disengaged Akane's arms from her waist.
"Oh
my!"
***
Far away a lone figure yelled to the heavens. "RANMA SAOTOME!!
PREPARE
TO DIE, FILTHY ONE!""
A bottle interrupted his, yes, tirade. "Would you keep it
down, tubby?
Some of us are trying to sleep in this nondescript everytown usa
city."
The figure growled. "Tubby?! I'm not-" A bottle knocked
him to the
ground.
***
(1) Sense a pattern here?
(2) Hey, they can't all be gems. (If you recognize that
reference, I tip
my hat to you.)
(3) Can you tell I love that word? And where'd the water come
from?
The plot works in mysterious ways . . .
(4) Now who could that be?
(5) Did someone say Panda-ken? (In case you don't get that, think
Neko-ken)