Chapter 4: You Can Find Happi’s Nest in the Strangest of Places

    Tatewaki Kuno grabbed Ranma’s arm as the entire Tendo family looked
on. “Ranma Saotome, last night I watched you spirit my sister away before
my very eyes. Return her at once or face my wrath!”

    Ranma yawned. “First of all, I didn’t kidnap your sister. Second, even
if I could somehow bring your sister back, you’d have to ask me a lot more
politely. And third, Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!” Ranma’s fist became a
blur, pounding into Kuno’s face and chest until the poetry-spouting
martial artist was forced to let go. “Third, I’m not scared of your wrath
at all. So go ahead, do your worst. You might even need this.” He grabbed
Kuno’s bokken from behind his back and tossed it to its owner. “But I’m
telling you right now, it won’t help Kodachi.”

    Kuno lunged at Ranma, swinging his bokken faster than the eye could
see. Ranma easily dodged every swing. “Fight back, Ranma Saotome!”

    “Why?” asked Ranma, not missing a beat. “I have no reason to attack
you.”

    “Oh, Ranchan!” called Ukkyo as she rounded the corner of the house. As
soon as her eyes fell on the combatants in the backyard, she shrieked a
battle cry and charged forward, smashing Kuno over the head with her
spatula and knocking him out for the count.

    Ranma stared down at the fallen Kuno. “I was planning to just keep
dodging until he got tired, but I suppose that works too.”

    “I wasn’t expecting thanks,” said Ukkyo sarcastically. “I just came by
to remind you that lunch is on me today. I won’t take no for an answer,
especially since you didn’t even touch yesterday’s lunch.”

    “I’d love to,” replied Ranma, “but I don’t think Akane would be too
happy about it.”

    “Oh, I don’t mind at all,” said Akane, who had joined the rest of her
family in the dining room while Ranma and Kuno fought. “At least it will
keep you out of my hair for a few hours,” she continued under her breath,
but intentionally loud enough for Ranma to hear.

    “It’s a date then!” enthused Ukkyo, clapping her hands happily.

    Kuno groaned and stood up. “Had enough, Kuno?” asked Ranma.

    Kuno immediately struck a fighting pose. “Never! I will have had
enough when my sister stands before me and not a moment sooner!”

    Ranma sighed. “Look, if you want my help finding your sister, fine.
But I really don’t have the patience to fight you right now.”

    “Accept help from the one who stole her? I have too much honor to ally
myself with the likes of you.”

    “Which is more important to you? Your honor or Kodachi?” Kuno
considered the question. “Well? Which one?”

    “Do not interrupt my pondering,” warned Kuno. “Such a difficult choice
cannot be made lightly, lest the scorned party become forever stained for
having been discarded.”

    “Kuno baby,” interrupted Nabiki, “let’s put it this way: if you don’t
accept Ranma’s help, chances are you’ll never see your sister again. But
once Ranma sets his mind on something, it gets done.”

    “This is blackmail!” shouted Kuno.

    “I see it more as an arrangement of convenience,” corrected Nabiki.
“You get some help locating Kodachi from someone with an ounce of brains,
and Ranma is willing to go along with it to avoid having to put up with
you any longer than necessary. Right, Ranma?”

    Ranma nodded. “Besides which, if Kuno really did see someone who
looked like me kidnapping his sister, that means someone’s trying to frame
me. That makes this personal.”

    “So what makes you think that Ranma kidnapped your sister?” asked
Ukkyo.

    “It was the screams that brought me to her room,” said Kuno. “I was
too late in reaching her door, as all that remained was a pile of her own
black roses. However, upon attaining the window I was just in time to see
Ranma vanish before my very eyes.”

    “I don’t know about the rest of the story,” began Ranma, “but I
definitely can’t vanish into thin air.”

    “Yet every time the pigtailed girl appears, you are nowhere to be
seen,” Kuno pointed out.

    “Let’s just forget about the pigtailed girl and focus on our next
course of action,” advised Nabiki. “Every great detective starts in the
same place: at the scene of the crime.”

    “Great idea, Nabiki.” agreed Akane. “We’ll start looking in Kodachi’s
room.”

    “Have fun,” said Nabiki.

    “Aren’t you coming?” invited Ranma. “After all, you’re the detective
here, right?”

    “Sorry, but no,” replied Nabiki. “The Kuno mansion isn’t exactly the
venue of choice for someone with as many years ahead of her as I have.
Besides, I can smell money in the air. Business first, you know.”

    “I’ll have to back out too,” said Ukkyo. “I’m already missing the
start of the lunchtime crowd. The seniors love my new early bird
specials.”

    “Fine by me,” said Ranma. “You coming, Akane?”

    Akane started to shake her head, but Ukkyo glared at her. “Yeah, I’ll
come.”

    “Wonderful!” shouted Kuno. “Away with us now, Akane Tendo! My mansion
awaits our pleasures!” With that, he swept Akane off her feet and carried
her out of the yard, protesting all the way.

    “Hey!” shouted Ranma. “We’re ALL going! This is about Kodachi, not a
date!” He chased furiously after the departing pair.

    “Don’t forget to take a break for lunch!” Ukkyo called after them.

    Soun took a sip of his tea. “It’s so nice to see them working
together, eh Saotome?” He felt a slight nudge, and looked down to see a
small black pig sitting in a pile of clothes, oinking insistently. Soun
obligingly poured the rest of the hot water onto the pig.

    “Thank you,” said Ryoga as he left the house, hot off the trail of the
others.

    Nabiki crouched by the koi pond, where Mousse had finally managed to
splash his way onto dry land. “I’ll bet you want some hot water, right?”
Mousse quacked his agreement. “Well, let’s see... how much money will you
have on you when you return to human form?”

*************************************************

    Hikaru Gosunkugi sniffed at his latest creation with delight. His
voodoo recipe was almost complete. Today was the day when his dreams would
be realized. He opened the book and carefully reviewed the procedure. One
mistake could be costly, both for him and his target. The first part of
the plan had been set into motion; however, part two was the key to the
entire operation.

    The timer beeped, briefly diverting Hikaru’s attention from his book.
He carefully opened the oven and removed the baking sheet. “Aah, my
beautiful chocolate chip cookies,” he said, setting the tray on the
counter. “Once these have cooled, it will be time.” He grabbed his
materials and began to follow the directions in the book. Those pictures
he’d taken would soon come in very handy...

*************************************************

    “This is the room,” said Kuno flatly, pushing open the door. He
reflexively ducked as a boom swung down from the ceiling, hitting Ranma
and Akane in the face. “Oh, my dear Akane! How callous of me not to throw
myself in front of you and take this blow in your stead!”

    “It’s all I could have expected,” groaned Akane. “Just warn us next
time, all right?”

    Kuno cleared his throat. “My twisted sister has never been one to
trust visitors. Of course, it runs in the family, so we must be silent. If
my father hears us, our heads may be lighter upon our egress.”

    “Great,” murmured Ranma as he crept into the room, keeping his eyes
peeled for additional traps. Of course, anything could have been hidden
under the deep covering of rose petals through which the floor couldn’t
even be seen. It was an odd feeling to walk through them, a bit like early
autumn leaves in the morning, but softer to the touch. They even had the
characteristic dampness of morning dew. “Was the window open this
 morning?” he asked idly.

    “I have touched nothing in this room since last night,” replied Kuno.
He pointed to the open window.

    Akane sank to her knees and began to dig through the rose petals.
“This is hopeless,” she said after a few seconds. “We’re never going to
find anything in this mess.” She held up her hands, peering at them in
disgust as they emerged from the pile covered in rose petals. “What’s all
over these things, glue?”

    “I thought it was just morning dew,” replied Ranma.

    “Morning dew doesn’t stick like this,” said Akane, showing Ranma her
bepetalled hands.

    A shadow passed over the door, and Kuno drew his bokken. “Begone,
father! You shall not touch the hair of my beloved Akane!”

    The squat figure that had cast the shadow appeared in the doorway.
“Forgive me, master Kuno,” begged Sasuke. “I had no intention of appearing
to be your father.”

    “Ah, Sasuke. What news bring you of my sister?”

    Sasuke knelt on the floor and bowed, his face almost touching the rose
petals. “Forgive me, master, but your sister is not anywhere in Tokyo. I
have searched everywhere.” As he stood up, the rose petals remained
attached to his pants. “Odd. I didn’t know that roses produced sap.”

    “They don’t,” said Ranma.

    Sasuke sniffed at the petals and wrinkled his nose. “They certainly
don’t SMELL like rose petals.”

    Akane tentatively sniffed at her own hands and nearly vomited. “Ew!
What is that smell?”

    “It seems almost recognizable,” said Kuno, after a sniff of his own.
“It has the distinct aroma of something that it would be best not to think
about.”

    “I recognize this smell from my travels, master,” said Sasuke. “I
encountered a very similar odor while investigating the residence of a
master Happosai.”

    Ranma rubbed his fingers together. “Then this junk is...” He quickly
wiped his hands on his shirt and tiptoed out of the room. Akane shrieked
and began to claw at her hands, unable to remove the rose petals quickly
enough. As she followed Ranma out of the room, Kuno thoughtfully wiped his
own hands on Sasuke’s clothing.

    “I could provide a towel for you, master,” offered Sasuke.

    “That will not be necessary,” said Kuno. He strode calmly out of the
room. “Ranma Saotome, you know this Happosai, do you not?”

    “Sure, he lives at the Ten- I mean, with a friend.” Ranma stopped to
think. “Actually, he moved out a couple days ago. Didn’t leave a
forwarding address or nothin’. Said he had important business that he had
to do in private.” He stared at Akane’s still-sticky hands. “You don’t
suppose he’s been kidnapping women and using them to...” He trailed off
and looked meaningfully between his legs.

    “My sister will be part of no such depravity!” shouted Kuno.

    “Aloha my boy!” called a voice from down the hall. “Are you talkin’ to
yourself out there, son?”

    “Yes, father!” replied Kuno.

    “You’re tellin’ that sister of yours she’s comin’ home, hear? She’s
long overdue for the trim!”

    “Yes, father,” called Kuno again. He turned to Ranma. “We must find
her quickly,” he whispered, “before he turns his attentions back to me!”

    Sasuke darted out of Kodachi’s room. “I could lead you to master
Happosai,” he said.

    “I have an idea,” said Kuno. “Sasuke will lead us to master Happosai!”

    “An excellent suggestion, master Kuno,” agreed Sasuke, prostrating
himself before his master’s greatness. Ranma and Akane paled slightly at
the display, but it really wasn’t anything new to them.

    “Hie we to Happosai, then! Lead on, Sasuke!”

    “Wait,” said Ranma. He pointed to the rose petals. “We should probably
take some of these along. You know... confront the suspect with the
evidence?”

    “Good thinking, Ranma,” said Akane. “But who’s going to carry them?”

    Sasuke sighed. “At least let me get a container first.”

*************************************************

    “So, they think Happosai kidnapped Kodachi?” asked Cologne. The dark
figure nodded. “Very interesting. We may need to move on to the next stage
of the schedule.” The figure swept out of the room, leaving a dark trail
behind it that lingered like a strong odor for several minutes before
clearing. Cologne leaped to the kitchen floor, waving her staff to
disperse the last of the blackness. “This could turn out to be very
interesting,” she thought. “That book has certainly made capturing
son-in-law’s heart much easier, and apparently he doesn’t suspect a thing,
yet. The next kidnapping should go without a hitch.”

    “Nihao, great-grandmother,” said Shampoo as she entered the kitchen.
“Is demon gone?”

    “Yes, dear. Are you ready for the next phase of the plan?”

    Shampoo nodded. “Is working? Ranma will love Shampoo?”

    “I believe so. We have to make sure that the training is taking hold.
You know what to do.”

    “Yes.” Shampoo grabbed a bucket of water and poured it over herself.

    “Be back soon, dear,” called Cologne. “We have customers waiting.”

    “Meow,” answered Shampoo, darting out the back door in search of
Ranma.

*************************************************

    “He’s right up there, on the third floor,” came the distant voice.
Happosai froze and quickly stashed his book under his mattress.

    “Very well, then,” answered another voice. “I shall find the
information I seek.”

    “We’re coming with you,” protested a third, this time from the
stairwell. Happosai recognized that voice: Ranma.

    “I will not require your assistance,” replied the second voice.

    “I wouldn’t be so sure,” warned Akane. “This guy may be more of a
pervert than Ranma, but he knows his martial arts.” Happosai did a double
take. Akane coming to visit him? It couldn’t be a friendly visit, whatever
its purpose. Still, he could handle them all...

    His eyes fell on his latest trophy, the pink panties that Ryoga had so
recently secured for him, which were now prominently displayed on the
wall. If Akane saw them, she’d go on a rampage that not even the greatest
secrets of Anything-Goes Martial Arts would be able to stop. He leaped up
and grabbed the underwear from the wall, thrusting it under his mattress
with the book just as the door flew open.

    “Where is my sister?” bellowed Kuno as he threw himself onto the old
man. Happosai easily flipped Kuno into the wall.

    “Hello to you too,” said Happosai cheerily. “Ranma, my boy, you
certainly pick strange friends. You should teach this one to knock like a
civilized person.”

    “You’re a fine one to talk,” Ranma replied darkly.

    Akane sniffed the air. “Yep,” she said nearly gagging on the foul
lingering odor. “It’s definitely the same smell.”

    “It’s the scent of a healthy man in the prime of life!” insisted
Happosai. “Now, what’s this business about a missing sister?”

    Ranma quickly explained the circumstances as he’d heard them from
Kuno. “It seems really suspicious that you moved out to this apartment
just before Kodachi disappeared,” he finished.

    “It can mean only that you have kidnapped my sister and are planning
to engage in illicit activities with her,” shouted the recovering Kuno.
“That I will never allow!”

    “Now hold on there, young man,” protested Happosai. “I haven’t
kidnapped anyone. I may have stolen more pairs of panties than you’ll ever
see, but kidnapping the woman who wears them is not my style. I’m a
lecher, not a criminal!”

    “It’s not something to be proud of,” Akane pointed out.

    “Society needs people like me!” argued Happosai. “Besides, it’s a man’
s close contact with the opposite gender that encompasses so much of
Anything-Goes Martial Arts!”

    “The subject may waver but it will not change!” shouted Kuno. “The
evidence points to you as the kidnapper and I am not so blind as to
overlook a single piece! If this place is not a den of lust to which you
kidnap innocent women, what business have you here?”

    Happosai’s eyes darted back and forth from Kuno to his mattress.
Neither choice was very pleasant... He sighed and pulled the book out from
under the mattress. “I got this place so I could do some reading in
private.”

    “You? Reading?” asked Akane, unbelieving. Kuno grabbed the book and
opened it. As soon as his eyes landed on the pages, they fought to pop
right out of his head. His mouth fell open and a line of drool dripped
out, while blood gushed from his nose.

    Happosai rescued the book just in time. “Careful with that! You’ll
ruin it!”

    “Let me take a look,” said Ranma. “I’m pretty used to female bodies,
considering I spend half of my time in one.” With a quick glance at Kuno,
who was too spaced out to have heard the comment, Ranma grabbed the book
and opened it to a random page. His eyes bulged and a trickle of blood
dripped from his nose. “Wah...” he gurgled.

    “You are both so immature,” said Akane, taking the book from Ranma.
She couldn’t help but glance at the contents as she handed it back to
Happosai. As soon as she saw the pictures, her breath stopped, her eyes
bugged out, and her nose began to bleed.

    “Pretty good find, eh?” chuckled Happosai as he took the book back.
“So beautiful, even women can’t resist ‘em!”

    Akane was the first to recover. “You got this place so you could look
at sexy pictures without anyone bothering you?”

    Happosai nodded. “Too bad it didn’t work. You still found me.”

    “But we haven’t found Kodachi. Have any idea where she might be?” she
asked hopefully.

    “I wish I did,” replied Happosai. “That poor girl must need the
comforting that only an elderly citizen such as myself can provide.”

    “We know what you can provide,” said Akane. “But the – substance – we
found in Kodachi’s room... we thought it came from here. You know... since
it’s...” she trailed off, unable to continue.

    “There are a number of things it could be,” replied Happosai. “You
dirty-minded children see something with the right consistency and
immediately leap to conclusions!”

    “Well, if this junk isn’t what we think it is, then what is it?” asked
Ranma, thrusting the jar of rose petals under Happosai’s nose. The old man
opened the jar and sniffed at the contents.

    “It’s the product of lust, all right,” he assessed. “But there’s more
than one way to produce a substance like this.”

    “I really don’t want to know!” said Akane.

    Happosai sighed. “That’s the problem with today’s youth. You’re all
ashamed of the most beautiful act a man and a woman can share.”

    “Or just a man,” said Ranma, staring at the book.

    Happosai shoved the book back under the mattress so forcefully that
the entire bed moved. “I was referring, of course, to the product left
behind when a demon enters this world.”

    “A demon?” asked Ranma.

    “That’s right. The demon world is the home of depravity. When a demon
enters this world, it brings some of that depravity with it, in the form
of –”

    “Right,” interrupted Ranma. “So what’s it doing in this world? And why
does it look like me?”

    “How should I know?” snapped Happosai. “What do I look like, a medium?
You’ll have to ask someone who knows something about demons specifically.”

    “You don’t know about demons?” asked Akane skeptically. “Then how do
you know that when they enter this world, they leave... that stuff?”

    “‘That stuff’ is my life!” replied Happosai. “Demons are just... a
hobby. If you want to know the gory details -”

    “We already have the gory details, thank you,” said Akane.

    “- Cologne might be able to help you,” finished Happosai, ignoring the
interruption. “She knows a lot about demons.”

    “I have no desire to go anywhere near that old ghoul,” said Ranma.

    “Neither do I,” echoed Akane. “There is that creepy guy from school,
Hikaru Gosunkugi. I bet he’d be able to tell us more about that demon. He’
s really into all that supernatural voodoo stuff.”

    “Demons are hardly voodoo,” said Ranma, “but it’s about the best lead
we’ve got right now. Kuno, you coming?”

    “E-even more beautiful than my pig-tailed goddess!” stammered Kuno. “I
must have her!”

    Ranma smacked Kuno in the face. “Come on, let’s go!” He grabbed the
half-conscious Kuno’s arm and dragged him out the door, protesting all the
way.

    Akane turned back with one foot out the door. “What’s that pink fabric
hanging out from under the mattress?” she asked.

    Happosai flushed and quickly thrust the panties back under the
mattress. “This? Oh, nothing... just an old sheet I keep tucked away under
the mattress.”

    “Why would you keep a sheet under... never mind, I don’t want to
 know!” Akane hastily left the room. Happosai sighed deeply and sat down
on the bed to read his book, trying to ignore the feeling that his actions
were being watched. Seconds passed before the feeling became too great to
ignore, and he reached over his shoulder, grabbed Sasuke, and threw him
out the window before continuing to read.

*************************************************

    Kasumi hummed to herself as she made her way down the stairs. She
opened the dining room door and gasped at the sight that greeted her.

    “Hi Kasumi,” said Nabiki. “A little help would be greatly
 appreciated.”

    “My goodness,” said Kasumi. “What happened?”

    “Mousse showed me the Amazon method of haggling. I have to say, it’s
pretty effective.”

    “It seems rather harsh, doesn’t it?”

    Nabiki did her best to shrug, under the circumstances. “Maybe. It’s
hard to think when the blood’s rushing to your head like this.”

    “Don’t worry,” said Kasumi. “I’ll get you down.” She ran into the
kitchen and returned with a knife, quickly working to cut through the rope
that secured Nabiki’s feet several inches from the ceiling.

    “Say, Kasumi, you probably want to cut that rope...” She stopped as
the rope snapped and she landed hard on her head. “... last.”

    “Oops,” replied Kasumi. “I wasn’t thinking.” She bent down and began
to work at cutting Nabiki free from the cocoon of ropes that encased her.

    “Oh, don’t worry, Mousse,” declared Nabiki under her breath. “You may
have humiliated me this time, but you will pay.”

*************************************************

    “A demon?” Kuno wondered aloud, once Ranma and Akane had brought him
to his senses and explained the situation. “Oh, my dear sister, how I wish
I had been able to protect you!” Ranma suddenly stopped dead in his
tracks.

    “Ranma, what’s wrong?” asked Akane, before she too saw the cat
crossing their path. Shampoo meowed softly around a mouthful of fish
sausage and leaped into Ranma’s arms. Ranma held her as far from himself
as possible, closing his eyes tightly. Akane reached out to take Shampoo
from Ranma, but Shampoo lashed out with her claws, scratching Akane’s
hand.

    “It’s okay,” said Ranma, breathing deeply. “It’s just Shampoo in cat
form. I can deal with that.”

    “Meow,” said Shampoo, climbing up Ranma’s arm and depositing a
necklace made of fish sausage around his neck. Suddenly, cats began to
appear from every alley for miles, swarming around Ranma and meowing
incessantly. Ranma’s eyes darted back and forth, watching as the felines
advanced.

    “Oh no!” shouted Akane. “We have to get him out of here!”

    “It’s okay,” said Ranma, not taking his eyes off of the hungry cats.
“I think I can handle this.”

    “What happens if you turn into a cat again?”

    “These cats are just hungry,” replied Ranma. “They want the fish
sausage, not me. Being afraid of such small animals is irrational.” He
removed the necklace from his neck and began to tear chunks of sausage off
of it, tossing them to the mob of cats. The cats began to fight each other
for the pieces of sausage, ignoring Ranma completely. Finally, he fed the
last piece to Shampoo and lightly scratched her head. “See? Nothing to be
afraid of. Let’s go.” He stepped around the pile of fighting cats,
carrying a contentedly purring Shampoo with him until she hopped out of
his arms and ran back in the direction from which she’d appeared.

    Akane and Kuno looked at each other, then Ranma, then each other
again. “Saotome appears to have conquered his fear of cats,” noted Kuno.

    “Yeah,” answered Akane. “Now I’M the one who’s afraid.”

    “Of cats?”

    “No. Of Ranma. And Cologne.”

    “Why Cologne?”

    “Mr. Saotome said that it was impossible for Ranma to ever get over
his fear of cats. But he actually held Shampoo just now and said that his
fear was irrational. I know Cologne’s done something to him, but why cure
his fear of cats?”

    Kuno scratched his chin. “So is the cat named after the Amazon
princess, or the hair care product that goes by the same appellation?”

    Akane ignored the question. “Maybe it makes sense that she’d want
Ranma not to be afraid of Shampoo, but that doesn’t explain the way he’s
been acting recently. I still don’t think I’ve figured it out, but I’m
getting closer. I can feel it!”

    “Hey,” Ranma called back. “What are you waiting for?” Akane and Kuno
hastened to catch up with Ranma. None of them noticed the dark figure who
was diligently following them, or the even darker figure following that
one.