Chapter 16: The Feuding Fiancée Fiasco! There’s Only Room For One!

Akane tried to open her eyes, but the brightness forced them closed. "Where am I?" she asked.

"Akane, you’re awake," said a rather relieved-sounding voice. It took Akane’s hazy brain a few seconds to recognize it.

"Ukkyo? Is that you?"

"Aiya! Akane awake now!" That was Shampoo.

"What happened?" asked Akane. "How did you all get here?"

"The same as you," answered Ukkyo. "That demon kidnapped us."

"Then, are we in some kind of dungeon?"

"Not exactly. Take a look." Akane at last opened her eyes and looked at her surroundings. She was lying on a grassy patch in the center of a beautiful garden. Ukkyo and Shampoo sat to either side of her, and Kodachi was sitting by herself beside an ornamental lake nearby. Beyond the small clearing were various fruit and flower trees, a bird feeder, and an array of winding paths that led to the other wonders the garden had to offer its prisoners.

"Want some apples?" offered Shampoo. "Is safe to eat. We eat, and not get sick."

"I’m not really hungry," declined Akane. "Why did the demon bring us all here?"

"We don’t know," said Ukkyo. "But maybe it’ll tell us, now that you’re here. You’re the last one."

"Last one?" asked Akane.

"Yes," said the voice of the demon. "The last of those who lay claim to Ranma’s heart."

Akane leapt to her feet. "Show yourself!" she demanded.

"If you insist," said the demon in Ranma’s voice. It appeared before them, in its Ranma form. Kodachi had her arms around it in an instant.

"Ranma darling," said Kodachi. "I thought I’d never see you again!"

"You may not," said the demon. "Ranma only has enough room in his heart for one of you."

"We know that," fumed Ukkyo. "Why did you bring us all here?"

"Because the time has come to see which one of you will be his bride."

"We try that before many times," said Shampoo. "Still not decided."

"It will be decided here," the demon assured them. "This contest will decide once and for all who is Ranma’s one true bride."

"Contest?" asked Akane. "What contest?"

"The Ultimate Darkness Martial Arts Obstacle Course."

"Ultimate Darkness Martial Arts?" asked Ukkyo.

"It’s the counterpart to the Anything-Goes style," replied Akane. "I don’t like the sound of this contest..."

"The contest is quite simple," said the demon. "The first girl to reach the goal is the winner and will become Ranma’s bride."

"What happens to the others?" asked Akane.

The demon shrugged. "Most likely, they’ll not reach the goal at all because they’ll be dead."

"Dead?" said Ukkyo. "I don’t know about this. Why can’t we settle this with a cooking contest?"

"Aiya! Shampoo like cooking contest!"

Akane growled. "All right, we’ll do the obstacle course!" The garden vanished, and the girls found themselves standing before a large pit of sharp spikes. Akane turned to find that the land in all other directions faded to nothingness. The only way to advance was across the spikes.

"Have fun!" taunted the demon. "I’ll see exactly one of you at the goal!"

"Ranma darling, you’ll wait for me there?" asked Kodachi as the demon vanished.

"She doesn’t get it, does she?" Akane whispered to the others.

"I’m coming, Ranma darling!" shouted Kodachi, casually tossing a large handful of rhythmic gymnastic clubs onto the spikes. Each club balanced perfectly on a razor-sharp point, and Kodachi athletically leapt across the path of clubs to reach the far side of the pit.

"Hey!" shouted Ukkyo. "I’m not going to let you get ahead of me!" She quickly strapped a pair of mini-spatulas to her feet and charged across the spikes.

"Shampoo come too!" Shampoo used her bonbori as stilts, balancing the round balls perfectly on the points of the spikes to cross the pit.

"Wait for me!" shouted Akane. "No fair! Just because I don’t have any tools..." She did a handstand and began to walk across the spikes on her hands, grabbing the spikes around their girth to avoid being impaled. "I’ll win this race yet!"

By the time Akane reached the far side, Kodachi had already began to cross the alligator-infested lake beyond by leaping across the gators’ backs. Shampoo followed, with Ukkyo close behind. The alligators turned to stare at Akane as she approached the lake shore. "Great, wake up now that I need to cross!" She sighed and dove into the water, swimming furiously past the reptiles. One came close enough to try to take a bite out of her, but she pounded its snout closed, and the others backed off.

She reached the far shore not long after the others and began to leap across the moving platforms that spanned the stream of lava beyond. Her final jump caused her to nearly crash headlong into Kodachi, who had stopped just past the lava and was watching Ukkyo and Shampoo begin to ford the sea of knee-deep mud beyond. "How can I soil my delicate figure so?" asked Kodachi.

"Stay here if you want," said Akane. "I don’t care if you throw the race."

"Lose to the likes of you?" asked Kodachi, appalled. "Never!" She and Akane both leapt into the mud and began to wade. The mud deepened as they went until it was hip-deep, making movement all but impossible. By the time they had caught up to the others, the mud was waist-deep, and neither Shampoo nor Ukkyo was making any progress at all.

"What’s with all this mud?" asked Ukkyo. "I can’t move at all!"

"Oh no!" shouted Akane, as she felt the earth shift beneath her feet. "We’re moving all right... down! We’re sinking! This isn’t mud! It’s quicksand!"

"Aiya! How we escape?" asked Shampoo.

"Ranma darling!" shouted Kodachi. "No mere puddle will separate us, I swear it!" She struggled to move her legs beneath the murky surface.

"Don’t struggle!" warned Akane. "You’ll only sink faster! We have to think of a way to escape!"

"Well, I’m not going to sit around here," said Ukkyo. "I’m getting out now!" She threw a noodle lasso at the branch of a tree at the far side of the pit and began to pull herself to safety.

"You vixen!" shouted Kodachi. "You shall not come between me and my beloved!" She snared the branch with her ribbon and followed Ukkyo out of the pit.

"I don’t suppose you have any tools that will get you to the branch?" asked Akane.

Shampoo shook her head sadly. "No. Only bonbori." With tears in her eyes, Shampoo stared at the unattainable branch. "Shampoo no can escape."

Akane cringed as her chest began to descend into the cold mud. "Say, I have an idea!" she said suddenly. "If we work together, we can get out of here!"

"Help you get to Ranma? Shampoo rather die than do that!" As if to illustrate her point, Shampoo crossed her arms, plunging them under the surface.

"If we don’t work together, we’ll both die, and one of them will get Ranma!" Akane pointed at Ukkyo and Kodachi, who were just pulling themselves up out of the quicksand at the far side.

Shampoo stopped to think for a second. "Okay. Shampoo help. What is plan?"

"Quicksand is mostly water, right?" asked Akane. She splashed Shampoo with a handful of the mud, turning the Amazon into a cat. Stretching as far as she could manage, Akane lifted the cat out of the mud and threw her up into the tree. "Now," she shouted, "see if you can break off a branch for me to grab and pull myself out!" Shampoo looked down at Akane, then stared off into the forest beyond, toward the goal. With one last quick glance at Akane, she leapt easily to the ground and darted into the forest.

Akane swallowed hard as the quicksand rose around her neck. "She abandoned me! I can’t believe she would be so heartless! But what did I expect from her? Of course I knew she’d just leave me to die... but it was my only chance..." So caught up in her thoughts was she that she didn’t see the falling tree until it had almost hit her. Fortunately, it missed her by inches, merely splashing the mud onto her upturned face.

"What you waiting for, stupid girl?" called Shampoo from the distant stump, her voice barely reaching Akane’s submerged ears. "Grab tree and pull self out of quicksand!" Akane grappled for a handhold in the rough bark of the tree, and within a minute she was standing on solid ground once again.

"Shampoo," she said between breaths, "thank you for coming back."

"Shampoo would be dead without Akane help," replied the Amazon. "Shampoo not leave Akane to die. Saw hot spring ahead, so changed to girl to break tree. Would have told plan, but cat not able to talk." She smiled and winked, and Akane laughed heartily, thankful to be alive.

All too soon, however, Akane’s joy ended as abruptly as it had started. "I don’t suppose we have much chance of catching up now," she moaned.

"No worry about that," said Shampoo cheerily. "Hot spring VERY hot." Akane noticed for the first time that Shampoo’s skin was red. "No can swim across this one."

"They haven’t crossed it? Then we still have a chance! Come on!" Akane ran ahead into the forest.

"Wait!" shouted Shampoo. "Is dangerous!" Akane stopped as a dark shape flew past her head.

"What was that?"

"Bats," answered Shampoo, waving her bonbori over her head as she ran through the dark forest. Akane stayed as close as she could, keeping her head down and waving her arms to hold off as many of the flying rodents as she could. Finally, they emerged from the forest, and Akane was relieved to see both Ukkyo and Kodachi standing at the shore of the bubbling lake as she stopped to catch her breath.

"Shampoo," said Akane, "did you really go back through that forest again just to save me?"

Shampoo nodded. "Amazon never break word. Besides, victory by cheating have no honor."

"What victory?" asked Ukkyo. "We’ll never get across this lake."

"I’m still wondering how Kodachi made it past the bats," said Akane.

"Her cackling threw off their sonar," said Ukkyo. "They couldn’t find her."

"Really?" asked Akane, amazed. "Maybe she’s not as dumb as she looks..."

"This lake could actually be therapeutic," said Kodachi, dipping her foot into the lake. She quickly withdrew it and waved her hand at her foot to fan it. "It’s a few degrees hotter than our hot spring at home!" she noted painfully.

"Shampoo could told you that," said Shampoo flatly. "Stupid girl."

"You were saying..." Ukkyo prodded Akane.

"Shampoo and I had to work together to get out of the quicksand," said Akane, ignoring Ukkyo. "Maybe if we all work together, we can get across the lake!"

"You have another plan?" asked Shampoo.

"Why should we work together?" asked Ukkyo. "Only one of us can win the race."

"No, don’t you see?" asked Akane. "We can beat the demon at its own game! It wants us to fight and maybe even kill each other trying to win this race. But if we work together, we can all survive and nobody has to lose!"

"You only saying that because you afraid to lose," pointed out Shampoo.

"If you think you can win this race alone, you’re welcome to try," invited Akane.

Shampoo grumbled. "No can think way to do it."

"Looks like we have no choice then," said Ukkyo. "We’ll work together."

Kodachi cast the three girls a critical eye. "The Black Rose, work together with such plain girls? Never! Sooner would I die than ally myself with my enemies!"

"That what Shampoo said. Would be dead too, if not change mind."

Kodachi snorted. "I’m not the one who threw myself into quicksand without providing a means of escape, am I? I vowed that no puddle would separate me from my beloved and I meant it!"

"Forget it," said Ukkyo. "We can do this without her help! So, Akane dear, what’s the plan?"

"We’re going to make a canoe out of one of these trees," replied Akane.

"I get it," said Ukkyo. "Allow me." She drew her battle spatula and felled a thick tree with a single stroke.

"Great!" said Akane. "Now, lend me one of your spatulas. Shampoo, I’ll need a bonbori as well."

"Are you sure you know what you’re doing?" asked Ukkyo as she and Shampoo reluctantly handed over their respective implements.

"I’m positive," replied Akane. "I may have nearly failed Home Economics, but the one thing that allowed me to scrape by with a D was my skill at Wood Carving!" She raised the bonbori and, using the spatula as a crude chisel, began to carve the trunk of the tree.

"You take too long," said Shampoo. "Stand aside." Shampoo reclaimed her bonbori and hammered away at the log, gouging a cavity in the trunk large enough to hold the three girls comfortably. "Now you finish," she said, handing the bonbori back to Akane.

"Great work, Shampoo," said Akane. "This will take no time at all to finish!" She quickly smoothed the sides of the canoe and returned her tools to their owners. "All done! Now to cast off!"

"Wow," said Kodachi admiringly as they pushed the canoe toward the lake. "You really did do a good job together. Mind if I tag along?"

"Of course we mind!" shouted Ukkyo. "You didn’t lift a finger to help us!"

"Crazy girl say want to cross lake by self," agreed Shampoo. "So cross lake by self."

"I’m afraid we only have room for three," finished Akane. "Sorry, Kodachi!" She pushed the canoe into the lake and hopped in, joining Shampoo and Ukkyo in the boat. "Ukkyo, you’ve got the paddle."

"Aye aye, captain!" saluted Ukkyo, paddling with her battle spatula.

Kodachi watched the canoe as it navigated the boiling lake. "Oh, my darling Ranma, what have I done? By refusing in my vanity to work alongside them, have I doomed myself to an eternity apart from you? No, it cannot be!" She stared at the lake’s bubbling surface and pondered her fate. "Of course!" she said at last. "Why didn’t I think of it before? Ranma darling, I’m coming for you!"

Akane turned her head to see Kodachi lightly skipping across the surface of the lake, cackling all the way. "How is she doing that?"

"Never mind," said Ukkyo, tossing a pair of large spatulas to Akane and Shampoo. "If we want to stay ahead, we’ve got to move faster!" Akane and Shampoo lent their arms to furious paddling, reaching the far side of the lake only shortly after Kodachi. They found her standing in a snowdrift, steam rising around her.

"Oh, my tender soles burn, but it is nothing compared to the flames within my heart!"

Ukkyo stared up the snowy slope ahead. "This doesn’t look too tough." Using her spatulas as pitons, she began to scale the sheer slope. Shampoo and Akane glanced at each other, then set to work making their own way up the slope; Shampoo using her bonbori’s handles as handholds, while Akane simply gouged her own steps by hand. Kodachi followed, putting her clubs to the same purpose as Ukkyo’s spatulas. They all reached the top together and stared down the vertical cliff beyond.

"It’s got to be at least a thousand feet!" said Akane.

"I suppose we could always climb down," suggested Ukkyo.

"It’s too dangerous!" said Akane. "One slip and we’d all plummet to our deaths!"

"That’s no problem," said Ukkyo, brandishing her noodle rope. "Mountain climbers tie themselves together for safety, right? If the three of us are tied together, then even if one of us falls, the other two can hold her up."

Akane quickly assessed the plan. "It’ll work for safety, but we still need some way to get down. We can’t just climb down. The cliff is too smooth."

"Shampoo know! Use noodle rope and tie to bonbori!"

"That would work," said Ukkyo, "except I only have one rope, and we need it for the safety harness."

"Then there’s only one thing we can do," said Akane. "Kodachi, we need to use your ribbon."

"What? Moi, lend my only ribbon to the three of you?"

"We’ll let you climb down with us," said Ukkyo.

Kodachi briefly considered the offer, tenderly lifting a burnt foot. "All right. We’ll all climb down together." Ukkyo tied the noodle rope around each girl’s waist while Akane tied each end of the ribbon around the handle of one of Shampoo’s bonbori. Finally, she fastened Ukkyo’s spatula belt around herself.

"Everyone’s secure," said Ukkyo. "We’re ready when you are."

"Okay," said Akane, stabbing the handle of the bonbori into the cliff face. She rappelled down the cliff, pausing as each girl began her descent when the rope became taut. When Akane reached the end of the ribbon, she placed eight spatula pitons, then waited for the others to finish their descent. Once everyone was safely balanced on the pitons, Akane secured the bottom end of the ribbon rope and gave the rope a sharp tug, dislodging the upper end. "A few more times and we’ll be at the bottom," she said.

After what seemed like hours, all four girls stood safely at the bottom of the cliff. "Is this obstacle course ever going to end?" asked Akane as she stared at the rope that stretched across the chasm beyond, vanishing into the fog that obscured the opposite end completely.

"I think it wants us to kill each other," said Ukkyo. "The last one alive wins, right? There probably isn’t a goal at all. It ends when only one of us is left alive."

"Well, I don’t intend to play the demon’s game!" protested Akane. "I’m not going to die just to try to prove who’s the best bride for Ranma!"

"Shampoo not want die either. But how to decide contest?"

"We all have to stay together," said Akane. "We won’t let the demon beat us!"

"Good idea! Now we cross rope?"

"Right! I’ll go first!" Akane grabbed the rope, but Kodachi pulled her back.

"And what assurance have we that you will not cut the rope upon reaching the far side, stranding us all while you trivially complete the course?"

"Yeah!" agreed Ukkyo. "How do we know that all of this ‘Let’s work together’ talk wasn’t just a trick so you could ditch us and win the race yourself?"

"It wasn’t!" protested Akane.

"How you expect us to believe you?" asked Shampoo, crossing her arms.

"It’s probably a test of trust," replied Akane. "The only way to cross is for us to trust each other."

"Then we don’t have any way to cross," said Kodachi. "I’ll personally kill anyone who so much as touches that rope before me."

"There’s only one way to settle this," said Ukkyo. "We’ll all have to cross at the same time."

"Will the rope hold all of us?" asked Akane.

"I doubt it," replied Ukkyo. "But what other choice do we have?"

"Right. Everyone follow me closely then." Akane grabbed the rope and swung herself out over the ravine. The others nearly pushed each other into the ravine fighting over who would be next, but eventually everyone was on the rope. Akane started to cross hand over hand, and heard the rope creak dangerously. "You know," she began, "maybe this wasn’t such a good idea..."

The rope snapped at the near end, sending the girls swinging downward toward the far wall of the ravine. "Whose bright idea was this?" shouted Ukkyo over the rushing wind.

"Just hold on!" Akane shouted back. "We can climb up once we hit the far wall!"

Several minutes passed. "When we going to hit wall?" asked Shampoo.

"And how hard are we going to hit it?" added Ukkyo.

"I don’t know!" shouted Akane. "But I plan to hang on long enough to find out!"

Kodachi cackled loudly as the far wall finally came into view. The girls braced themselves as they were smashed brutally into the rocky cliff. Akane felt her right shoulder go numb as it smacked into the wall. She quickly wrapped her legs around the rope to keep her grip. "Is everyone okay?" she asked.

"Shampoo okay. Leg hurt, but I still holding."

"I think I landed on my spatula, but I’ll be okay too."

Akane waited, but there was no further answer. "Kodachi?"

"She not here!" Shampoo shouted up to Akane. "Maybe she fall!"

"No!" Akane nearly fell off herself in shock. "She couldn’t have..."

"Akane, get a grip!" shouted Ukkyo. "Like our host said, only one of us is going to survive. Probably better that she dies by her own hand than one of us kills her."

"She not trust us," agreed Shampoo. "She got what she deserve."

"Nobody deserves death," said Akane. "Not even someone as twisted as Kodachi Kuno."

"And definitely not us," said Ukkyo. "So, how’s about climbing up this rope before we all fall?"

A tear fell from Akane’s eye as she began to climb the rope, her useless right arm hanging limply at her side while her left arm and legs did all the work. Up and up they climbed, their injuries hurting them more and more as they ascended.

"How far are we from top?" asked Shampoo.

"I still can’t see it," replied Akane.

"I don’t think I can climb any more," moaned Ukkyo. "I can’t feel my hands!"

"Don’t you dare let go!" shouted Akane. "We’re all going to make it to the top!"

A loud cackle drowned out Ukkyo’s reply. "Did you miss me, girls?"

"Kodachi?" Akane turned to see the Black Rose hovering beside the rope, spinning a length of ribbon over her head as a propeller. She smiled. "Thank God you’re all right!"

"It will take a lot more than a little fall to kill the star of Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics!" said Kodachi. She grabbed the rope just above Akane’s hands.

"What are you doing to the rope?" asked Akane desperately.

"You’re in no condition to climb," replied Kodachi, spinning the ribbon faster. She began to rise, bringing the other girls with her.

Akane’s eyes grew moist again, this time with tears of joy. "Thank you, Kodachi. But why?"

"I thought there were no depths to which I would not sink to win fair Ranma’s love. But this contest is a farce. It will prove nothing. I recalled a phrase from a book on assertiveness that I read shortly before my capture: ‘Cooperation is the only way to achieve one’s goals.’ I considered what you said about working together, and I agree. We must defeat this demon at its own game." She deposited her burden on the clifftop, then landed herself.

Massaging the feeling back into her injured arm, Akane stared up into the branches of the huge tree around which the rope was tied, its gnarled surface inviting her to climb it rather than try to cross the rolling green ooze beyond. "No!" she shouted. "I will not go on any longer! We’ve come far enough, and we’ve proven that we won’t be beaten!"

"We don’t have to go any further," said Ukkyo. "I say we just stand right here and wait until the demon gets bored and comes to us!"

"Aiya!" shouted Shampoo. "Stand here not good idea!" She pointed at the sea of green goo beyond, which was advancing rapidly on them.

"Climb for your life!" shouted Akane. All four girls quickly began to scale the huge trunk as the slime washed over the tree’s roots. Acrid black smoke rose from the tree’s base as the trunk descended into the goo. "It’s acid!" yelled Akane. "We have to stay above it!"

Ukkyo pointed to the far side of the pool. "Let’s try to overbalance the tree! We can use it as a bridge to cross to the other side!"

"What if tree not tall enough?" asked Shampoo.

"It won’t be, if we don’t hurry!" replied Akane. "Everyone, to this side of the tree!" The unbalanced weight toppled the tree, sending the girls falling through the air once again. "Quick!" shouted Akane. "Get on top before we all get dunked!" They quickly scrambled around the trunk to stand on top of the log as it splashed into the sea of acid. Fortunately, none of the acid splashed onto the girls.

Black smoke swirled up to surround the girls. "It’s still sinking! Run!" shouted Ukkyo. Shampoo lost her footing as she ran to the far side of the log and nearly plunged headlong into the acid, but Akane pulled her back to safety. Together, the four leapt to the far bank of the acid pool as the tree disappeared into the ooze. "We made it!" said Ukkyo.

"Look!" shouted Kodachi. "A golden chair awaits us!" She pointed to a fancy throne that had been erected just beyond the acid pool. "Whoever sits in the chair will become Ranma’s bride!"

"Can it really be that easy?" asked Akane.

"Of course," said Shampoo. "Only one can sit in throne. Only one can be Ranma bride."

"So after all the obstacles, it comes down to this?" asked Ukkyo. "No problem!" She darted toward the throne.

"Hey! No fair!" shouted Akane as she and Shampoo charged after Ukkyo. A ribbon wound itself around the three racers, immobilizing them and knocking them off their feet. "Kodachi!"

"Kodachi?" asked Ukkyo, struggling in vain to escape the ribbon. "Let me go, you jackass!"

"Aiya! How she do that? Now crazy girl win!"

Kodachi dropped the loose end of the ribbon on the ground and turned her back to the throne. "The race is over. I refuse to sit in the throne."

"WHAT?" shouted the demon’s voice. "How can you refuse? Victory is yours!"

"I no more deserve this victory than do they," answered Kodachi, pointing to her downed opponents. "I will not allow this contest to end thus, even if it is in my favor. We are drawn." She grabbed the throne and threw it into the pool of acid.

The black smoke rising from the acid pool solidified into Ranma’s form. "How dare you destroy the contest I worked so hard to create?"

"The contest is no fair!" shouted Akane. "It doesn’t prove anything! Ranma should be allowed to choose which one of us he wants to marry!"

"That’s right!" agreed Ukkyo. "I won’t marry Ranma if it’s by force!"

"Shampoo want husband be happy! No want marry if not by choice!"

Kodachi rolled her eyes. "I have no compunction against forcing Ranma to marry me. I simply can’t allow a demon to do my work for me."

"Is that how you really feel?" asked the demon. "Then I have no choice."

Akane brightened up. "Does that mean you’ll let us go?"

The demon laughed. "No." The demon dissolved into black smoke, which rolled over Akane, choking the air out of her lungs. The dying sounds of the others’ coughing filled her ears as her consciousness faded and the world went black again.