Chapter 9: Meet Razor, the Backwards-Talking Knife Boy!

"Hey, Akane, you uncute tomboy!" yelled Ranma. "Let’s fight!"

"Why would I want to fight you, Ranma?" returned Akane, taking up her fighting stance just in case.

"Why wouldn’t you?" taunted Ranma. "I’m sexier than you’ll ever be, even when I’m a guy!"

"Why do you say those horrible things about me?" demanded Akane. "What did I ever do to you to deserve this?"

"You call me a pervert all the time and never listen to my side of things," replied Ranma.

"You’re a big idiot!" Where had that come from? Was it really a reflex reaction?

"Then fight me," challenged Ranma, at last taking up his battle stance. His skirt flared up around him as he began to spin around her. "Face the wrath of the One Thousand Idiot Tornado Punch, Senbaka Gufuukiru!" Akane closed her eyes and stuck out her foot. She felt it hit something that offered little resistance. "You’re a great fighter," said Ranma.

"What?" Akane opened her eyes to see her foot lodged in the black cloud that had replaced Ranma’s head. "Ranma, what’s going on? What happened to you? Let go of my leg!"

"You should have listened to Ranma," said a voice from deep within the cloud.

"What are you talking about?" shouted Akane, pulling frantically at her leg. "Leave me alone!" The cloud began to pull her leg into itself, drawing her deeper into the blackness. Its echoing words resounded in her skull as her knee vanished into its mass.

"Listen to Ranma... listen to Ranma... listen to me... listen to me..."

Akane closed her eyes, covered her ears, and screamed. When she opened her eyes, she was lying on the floor of her own bedroom, her leg tangled in her blankets. A dark shape loomed over her. "You okay, Akane?" asked the shape. Akane screamed and slapped it as hard as she could. "Geez, why is everybody smacking me in the face all of a sudden?" it asked.

"Ranma?" asked Akane, shocked. "I’m so sorry! I thought you were..."

"The demon?" Akane nodded. "But how did you know about it? I never got the chance to tell you last night because you kicked me out of the room."

"I dreamed about it. About the demon that looked like you."

Ranma nodded. "I saw it myself last night."

"You saw it? Why? How?"

"It got Ukkyo last night. I was supposed to protect her, but I was –" His voice broke, and he sat on the bed to choke back a wave of tears. "I was too late."

Akane sat beside him and started to put her arm around him, but thought better of it and put both hands in her lap. "It’s okay, Ranma," she whispered. "I’m sure you tried your hardest."

"How could I let it beat me?" sobbed Ranma. "When so much is at stake, how could I lose?"

"You can’t win every time," said Akane.

"Get me some cold water." Akane started to ask why, but quickly realized the reason, and ran to the bathroom for a bucket of cold water. She poured it onto Ranma’s head and let Ranma cry the rest of her tears as a girl. "Thanks, Akane," said Ranma when she had finished.

"Now, what’s the plan for getting Ukkyo and Kodachi back?" asked Akane.

"I haven’t got one – yet."

"Well, we can’t just sit around doing nothing until it kidnaps someone else."

"What do you mean, ‘we?’"

"You and me. Who else would I mean?"

"Look Akane. Getting them back is my business now. I’m the one who failed. You don’t have to get mixed up in any of this."

"I’m already mixed up in this," Akane reminded her. "That dream isn’t going to go away. I think the demon may be after me next. I’m scared." Ranma stiffened. Those had been Ukkyo’s words too. "Is something wrong, Ranma?" asked Akane.

Ranma shook her head. She couldn’t tell Akane that she was the next target. That would just make her worry. "I’m fine. I’m going to go see Gosunkugi."

"Why?" asked Akane. "Do you think he’s going to be any help?"

"Of course," replied Ranma. "He said to go back if I had any more information about the demon. Now that it’s kidnapped Ukkyo, he might be able to figure out what it is."

"Why would that help?" asked Akane.

"You’ll have to ask him to show you his colorful paper clip collection sometime," said Ranma.

Akane scratched her head. "I don’t get it. What does that have to do with Ukkyo?"

"Nothing." Ranma shook her head. "If you really want to know, you might as well come along."

She stood up and left the room. "At least this way," she commented to herself, "she’ll be near me if the demon strikes again during the day."

Akane fumed. "Might as well come along?" she griped to herself. "What about ‘Thanks, Akane, for helping me get my other fiancées back even though I know you’re incredibly jealous of them?’"

"Hey Akane!" called Ranma, male once again. "Are you coming or not?"

"I don’t know why I even bother," muttered Akane. Aloud, she shouted, "Keep your shirt on! I’m on my way down already!" As she left the room, she noticed a strange lightness about her, as if she was being lifted off the ground by an unseen hand. The demon’s image flashed through her mind, and she shivered involuntarily. No matter what happened, the image of Ranma turning into a black cloud and trying to envelop her would linger long after the demon itself was gone... if they ever managed to defeat it at all.

*************************************************

Hikaru Gosunkugi bent down to retrieve the voodoo doll from behind the plant. "I wonder how this got back there? I’ve been searching for it ever since Ranma and Kuno showed up yesterday." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Now, isn’t THAT an odd coincidence..."

He sighed. "At least I’ve found it now. This time, I’m not going to hesitate, and I’m not going to falter! I will make Akane mine and mine alone!" He cackled cruelly as he reached into his pocket. Abruptly, the cackling stopped, and he began to pat himself all over. "Now where did I put that pin?"

Hikaru moved from place to place, searching frantically for the pin. "Where is it? How could I lose it? What have I done?!" He felt and heard a horrible pounding in his head, and voices moaning in the back of his consciousness. "It’s not fair!" he shouted. A tiny glint from the corner of the room caught his eye. He dove for it and scooped up the white-headed pin. "YES!" He raised the pin over the doll as the front door opened and Ranma and Akane walked into the room. He hastily thrust his hands behind his back.

"Hey, Gosunkugi," said Ranma.

"What are you doing in here?" demanded Hikaru.

"We asked if we could come in, and you said ‘yes,’" answered Ranma. "I just came by to tell you that I think I’ve figured out what the demon’s pattern is."

Akane’s eyes narrowed. "What’s that behind your back, Hikaru?"

Hikaru held his empty hands in front of himself. "Nothing, see?"

Akane shrugged. "OK. It’s just that the way you were holding your hands was suggestive of the Warner complex, whereby a person with something to hide tries to innocently hold it behind their back in the hopes that no one will notice anything suspicious. It’s usually accompanied by whistling."

Hikaru stopped his innocent whistling. "Really? How fascinating." He turned to Ranma. "You were saying something about the demon?"

Ranma nodded. "I think it’s kidnapping the girls who want me to marry them. It took Ukkyo last night, and Kodachi the night before that."

"That would explain why it’s using your image," agreed Hikaru. "That will certainly narrow down the possibilities." He slid along the wall toward the study, keeping his back firmly pressed against the wall.

"Why are you moving like that?" asked Akane.

"Like what?" asked Hikaru.

"Like you’re afraid to step away from the wall."

"I simply don’t want to inadvertently step in your way," replied Hikaru. "Please proceed to the study."

"Aren’t you coming?" asked Akane. "After all, you’re the one who knows what we’re looking for."

"I’ll be in shortly with refreshments," replied Hikaru smoothly. "Please make yourselves at home in the meantime." Akane and Ranma made their way into the study. Hikaru sighed deeply and grabbed the voodoo doll from his waistband. "Now I’ll show them! What did I do with that pin?" He looked down at the doll and had to stifle a scream. The pin was protruding from the doll’s head. "No wonder she seemed so intelligent! I’ll have to find a way to cover this up!" He slipped the doll behind one of his authentic African masks and dashed into the study.

"My, that was quick," said Akane. "Where are those refreshments?"

Hikaru swallowed hard. "I just remembered that I’m out of food! Sorry."

Akane stared at Hikaru suspiciously. "You’re acting awfully strangely today."

"Look who’s talking," put in Ranma.

"Please, let’s just take a look at the book," said Hikaru quickly, glad for the distraction. "Those demons likely to kidnap in the pattern you described are marked with pink paper clips." He removed the various other colors of paper clips from the pages of the book, leaving only three pages marked. "There aren’t many demons known for this type of pattern kidnapping, fortunately."

Ranma opened the book to the first marked page. "This is it!" he announced. "This description fits perfectly!" He began to read aloud. "‘Mogui, a demon summoned by a human for a specific purpose. In its natural form, a mogui resembles a dark cloud, but it can generally assume any one alternate form that best suits its purpose. In its alternate form, the mogui has all of the powers and abilities – as well as weaknesses – that the true object whose form it has assumed would possess.’"

"Summoned by a human," repeated Akane, scratching her chin thoughtfully. "If we can figure out who summoned it, we’d find the missing girls!"

"Think hard, Akane," said Hikaru. "If anyone can figure out who summoned it, you can!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Ranma. "She’s as dumb as a brick." Akane pounded Ranma’s head into the floor.

"She hits like one too, apparently," said Hikaru. "Now, Akane, do you have any ideas?"

Akane pondered for a few seconds. "Who would want to kidnap the girls who want to marry Ranma?"

"Someone who doesn’t want them to marry Ranma?" ventured Hikaru.

"Right. But I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t want Ranma to get married."

"Then we must be missing something..."

"I’ve got it!" shouted Akane. "We’ve generalized too soon! It’s not all girls who want to marry Ranma; it’s only certain ones! Maybe whoever summoned the demon did it to get rid of her competition for Ranma’s love."

"Wait a minute," said Ranma. "You think SHAMPOO summoned the demon? No way!"

"You’re right," agreed Akane. "She wouldn’t be able to handle a demon. She doesn’t have nearly enough experience. But I think I know who does."

"You can’t be thinking of Cologne!" said Ranma.

"It’s the only thing that makes sense," explained Akane. "Cologne summoned the demon to get rid of your other girlfriends so that you’d have no choice but to marry Shampoo."

"I really don’t know about that," replied Ranma. "Cologne can be a real monster at times, but even she wouldn’t stoop to summoning a demon."

"I’m afraid I can’t find any fault with her logic, Ranma," said Hikaru. "I think Akane’s explanation is the best one."

"What’s the big deal here?" asked Ranma. "Why are you on her side all of a sudden?"

"Trust me," said Hikaru, "it’s a good time to trust Akane."

"When I’m dead will be a good time to trust Akane," muttered Ranma.

Akane smashed Ranma on the head. "I heard that! Now come on! We’re going to the Cat Café to get the kidnapped girls back and get Cologne to call off the demon before it kidnaps me!"

"Or we could always just let it kidnap you, and then it would go away," Ranma pointed out.

Akane smashed Ranma on the head again. "Do you enjoy feeling pain, or are you really as brainless as you seem to be?"

Hikaru sighed deeply. "The sooner I can get that pin out, the better."

*************************************************

Akane let Ranma get ahead of her as they ran, noting with pleasure that he was just as determined to get to the Cat Café as she was. For a brief moment, she’d actually thought Ranma might carry out his threat to just let the demon kidnap her. However, she reasoned, it was probably the same way with him as it was with her. He simply couldn’t bring himself to admit his feelings for her, so he tormented her instead.

She thought about that morning, when she’d sat next to him and had the perfect opportunity to show him how she felt, but hadn’t. Just the chance she’d been waiting for all this time, gone in a lapse of cowardice. But would she have felt guilty for exploiting Ranma’s loss for her own gain? "Of course not," she answered herself. "That’s what a fiancée is for, to comfort him when he needs me."

Akane was so distracted by her thoughts that she nearly ran into Shampoo. "Shampoo, what are you doing here?" she demanded.

"Shampoo have to kill stupid girl. You beat Shampoo in battle. Now must die!" Shampoo lunged with her bonbori, but Akane ducked and planted her foot in Shampoo’s gut, using the Amazon’s own momentum to send her flying face-first onto the street.

"This isn’t about honor," said Akane. "You stopped me the other day when I was with Ranma, and that’s when he disappeared. You’re just trying to distract me!" Akane wondered briefly where that realization had come from, but found herself instead thinking about what her words could mean. Mouth agape in horror, Akane ran in the direction that Ranma had gone, hoping that she wasn’t too late.

*************************************************

Ranma wasn’t far from the Cat Café when he realized that Akane was no longer following him. "How could she turn chicken like that?" he asked aloud. "She’s the one who wanted to come!"

A knife whizzed right past Ranma’s head and buried itself to the hilt in a nearby wall. "Ranma Saotome," shouted a voice, "you taking I!"

Ranma froze. "Who said that?"

"That saying did I," replied the voice. A man stepped out of a nearby alley. He was dressed in traditional Amazon clothes, but the pajama-like garments were inside out. The handle of a knife, with a ruby set in its knob, protruded from the bun of orange hair atop his head.

"And who are you supposed to be?" challenged Ranma.

The man frowned. "Forgetful being you. Of knives throwing master, Razor being I!" He stopped to consider his last statement. "Silly being I! With shampoo erasing memory your head washing did Cologne." Before Ranma could attempt to make sense out of the stranger’s odd speech, Razor threw another knife. Ranma dodged the throw easily, but the rope tied to the knife jerked the blade around in a circle, winding Ranma up from head to toe in its coils.

"What’s going on?" asked Ranma. "What do you want from me?"

"Cologne pleasing wanting I," replied Razor. "For you plan having she."

"I should have known! Cologne IS behind this!" Ranma struggled to break the rope, but he felt far too weak to free himself.

"With poison sapping energy rope coating we," taunted Razor. "It breaking not you."

Ranma’s eyelids began to close. "What are you going to do to me?"

"To Cologne you taking I. But talking needing not I." He lifted Ranma onto his shoulder.

Akane rounded the corner and froze when she saw Ranma’s predicament. "Stop!" she shouted. "Put him down, or else!"

"Interfering again stupid girl," snarled Razor. "Of her care taking needing I."

"Watch out, Akane," moaned Ranma weakly. "He uses knives..."

Razor let fly with a flurry of knives, pinning Akane to a convenient wall. "No problem being now you."

"How dare you treat me this way!" Akane yelled in rage as she struggled to escape. "Just you wait until I get out of this!"

"Worrying needing not I," said Razor. "For escaping too weak being you."

"Oh yeah?" shouted Akane. She felt her fury rising in her gut, and the familiar feeling of the Botsuzento martial arts flowed through her body. With a horrible tearing sound, the fabric of her clothes ripped away from the blades, and she pushed herself away from the wall to land on the ground.

"Strong being indeed you," admitted Razor. "But for me defeating you, strong enough being not you!" He flourished a handful of knives. "Your luck trying caring you?"

"Take this!" shouted Akane, grabbing one of the knives from the wall and hurling it at Razor. Razor knocked the knife out of the air with one of his own. Thinking quickly, she grabbed a second knife and threw it over Razor’s shoulder.

"Ha! Of blocking bothering needing not I, with poor aim having you!"

"Think again," returned Ranma. The rope, severed by Akane’s keen throw, split apart. Ranma knocked Razor to the ground and leapt away, landing lightly on his feet.

"What you think you doing?" asked Shampoo, leaping down from a nearby rooftop. "You not supposed to escape. Plan supposed to work!"

"What plan?" demanded Ranma. "I’m not going to be part of any plan!"

"Of plan part being already you," said Razor. "This changing not you."

"What is wrong with this guy?" asked Akane. "Why can’t he talk properly?"

"Is ancient Amazon curse," replied Shampoo. "Razor do everything backwards, after he stupid enough to eat magic mushroom. Now he have knife that undo curse, but because knife only work on curses with knives, only cancel part of curse with knives."

"With knives practicing much did I," explained Razor, "since knives involving tasks completing only able being I. Of knives master becoming did I, so me defeating never you!"

"Aiya!" shouted Shampoo as she drew her bonbori. "You not defeat both of us!"

"Shampoo!"

"Oh great," moaned Ranma. "Here comes Mousse."

"Don’t fight alongside that backwards freak!" shouted Mousse. He stood between Razor and Shampoo and drew his weapons, aiming them threateningly at Ranma. "If you fight with him, then I must stand against him!"

"Uh, Mousse," said Ranma. "You’re on his side."

Mousse turned to stare into Razor’s face. "I see. Sorry to have bothered you." He shook his head and turned around. "What am I saying! If Shampoo fights to defend you, then it is my duty to defeat you and prove myself her most worthy suitor!"

"Stupid Mousse," said Shampoo. "Ranma is Shampoo husband, not you."

"Would you just shut up!" shouted Akane, leaping forward to attack Shampoo. Razor stepped away, allowing Akane to tackle Shampoo to the ground.

"Razor, why you not help Shampoo?" demanded the furious Amazon princess.

"Shampoo helping trying did I," said Razor, "but with knives me attacking not did she."

"So, you can’t handle attacks that don’t involve knives?" asked Ranma. "Then try this on for size! Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!" Ranma’s fist became a blur, striking at Razor repeatedly for about three seconds. Suddenly, Ranma stopped, holding his bleeding fist to his chest. Razor spun his knife triumphantly and smiled.

"You may be a master of knives," said Mousse, "but to be a true Amazon warrior, you must master all weapons!" He threw several spiked balls at Razor, who blocked each one with a pair of crossed knives. He caught the last one between the blades and hurled it back at Mousse, hitting him in the head.

"Once he gets his knives into play, there’s no stopping him!" shouted Ranma. "What can we do?"

"Aaah!" screamed Akane as Shampoo threw her. Akane landed in a heap in the street, clutching her head. "What’s wrong with my head? It feels like a headache that I didn’t know was gone has just returned!" She stood up. "I thought I had an idea for how to beat him, but it’s gone now." She swooned, and Ranma dove to catch her.

"Now, Razor!" shouted Shampoo. "You get both of them!" Razor threw another rope-laden knife at Ranma and Akane. Ranma caught the knife and threw it back at Razor, tying both him and Shampoo up in the energy-draining rope before either could react.

"That’s one way to beat a pair of Amazons," said Ranma.

"What do we do now?" asked Akane.

"We take these two to Cologne and demand an explanation," replied Ranma, hoisting the tied-up twosome onto his shoulder. "I’m not going to be a part of her insidious plan anymore."

"What do we do with Mousse?" asked Akane.

Mousse leapt to his feet and pointed at Ranma. "Put Ranma and Akane down, you freak!" he shouted, charging at Ranma. Akane idly stuck out her fist. Mousse smacked into the fist, knocking himself out.

"Better bring him along," said Ranma. "I want to be able to see him at all times, especially since he apparently can’t see me."

*************************************************

Hikaru rubbed the voodoo wax on the head of the pin. "There," he said as the pin slid out. "That should have Akane back to normal. I just hope there aren’t any unpleasant side effects." Suddenly, the doll was snatched from his hand. Hikaru whirled to face his assailant and gasped.

"Tell me where Akane Tendo is!" demanded the intruder. "Or I’ll tear this doll limb from limb."