Chapter 7: Ranma’s Double Dating Disaster

"Won’t you join us for dinner, Akane?" asked Kasumi as Akane made her way down the stairs.

"I’m having dinner with Ryoga tonight," answered Akane.

"Ah! I see. That explains why you’re so well dressed. But you really shouldn’t be dating Ryoga when Ranma’s your fiancé."

"It’s not a date, Kasumi," explained Akane. "I beat him in a match, and he owes me a free dinner."

"If he’s taking you out to dinner, it’s a date," said Nabiki.

"It’s not a date! It’s just dinner!" insisted Akane.

"Well, be sure to be home before midnight in any case," said Kasumi.

There was a knock at the door. Akane opened it to reveal Ryoga in a tuxedo. He handed her a bouquet of flowers. "These are for you, Akane," he said. "You look beautiful."

"Thank you, Ryoga," said Akane, taking the flowers. "You look very handsome yourself."

"Tell me again this isn’t a date, Akane," challenged Nabiki.

Akane ignored her and handed the flowers to Kasumi. "Could you put these in a vase with water, please, Kasumi?"

"Sure thing," said Kasumi. "You two have fun on your da- I mean, dinner."

"We will. Good night, Kasumi!" Akane stepped out the door, closing it behind her. Kasumi carried the flowers into the kitchen and placed them into a vase. As she brought the vase up to Akane’s room, Ranma intercepted her on the stairs, wearing one of Akane’s formal dresses.

"Good evening Ranma," said Kasumi. She gasped as she looked at him. "Why are you wearing a dress?"

He looked down at himself. "Oops. I was in such a hurry that I nearly forgot the most important thing!" He grabbed the vase from Kasumi’s hand and poured its contents on his head.

"What’s the hurry, Ranma?" asked Nabiki. "Don’t tell me you’ve got a hot date tonight too. And in girl form, no less."

"Don’t ask me to explain," said Ranma. "I’ve gotta go. I’m meeting Kuno in minutes."

Nabiki’s eyes grew to the size of saucers. "A date... with KUNO?"

"You got a problem with that?" asked Ranma. "Never mind, I’m already late." She pushed her way past the Tendo sisters and out the door.

"My goodness," said Kasumi. "This could be a problem."

"You’re right," said Nabiki. "I have a feeling Ranma’s date is just to spite Akane."

"I wasn’t referring to that," said Kasumi, picking up the flowers from the floor. "Now I have to get more water for these flowers."

*************************************************

"Welcome to Chez Reireishii," the maitre d’ greeted Ryoga and Akane, flashing a diamond-studded gold wristwatch as he bowed courteously. "There is a hundred thousand yen cover charge, of course. Will you be paying by check or credit?"

"A hundred thousand yen just to get in?" whined Ryoga. "This dinner is going to cost a fortune!"

"Then you shouldn’t have lost the match," said Akane. "If you have any honor at all, you’ll pay."

"I have plenty of honor," said Ryoga, reaching into his pocket for money. "I just don’t know if I have enough cash." He handed the maitre d’ a huge stack of bills. The maitre d’ sniffed the bills suspiciously, then stashed them in his tuxedo coat.

"Right this way, please," he said, motioning for them to follow. He led them to a table and seated them. "Shall I bring the wine list, or would you prefer the soft drink menu?"

"Better make it soft drinks," said Ryoga. "We’re underage."

The maitre d’ sniffed. "I see. I shall return shortly."

"Look at this silverware!" enthused Akane. "It’s all made of diamond!" She held up a fork, which gleamed in the light of the crystal chandeliers.

Ryoga whistled appreciatively. "I can see why this place is so expensive. I never thought I’d be eating in a place like this."

The maitre d’ returned and handed Akane and Ryoga each a menu. "I’ll be back shortly to take your order." He set off in a brisk pace toward the door.

"You know, Akane," said Ryoga. "In this light, you look positively stunning."

The fork hit the table with a resounding clang. "Oops," said Akane, blushing. "You surprised me."

"I meant it. You’re beautiful. And you fight even better than Ranma does."

"Really?" asked Akane, letting her hands fall to the table.

Ryoga took one of Akane’s hands in his. "Really."

"Oh, Ryoga, thank you. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me." Akane stared into Ryoga’s eyes, and Ryoga stared back. The light sparkled in their eyes, and danced.

"Hey! It’s Ryoga and Akane!" called a voice from behind Akane. "Fancy seeing you two here!"

Akane lowered her head in disgust. "It’s Ranma! What’s HE doing here?"

"She," corrected Ryoga. "Ranma’s come in girl form. With Kuno."

"I wish to be seated at this table," announced Kuno, pointing to Akane and Ryoga’s table.

"I’m afraid this table is already occupied," said the maitre d’.

"Then we shall occupy it as well," said Kuno, producing a sizeable wad of money.

The maitre d’ coughed. "I cannot accept such a bribe, sir."

"Then how about this one?" asked Kuno, doubling the size of the stack.

The maitre d’ whisked the money away. "Please sit."

"What endless joy fills my heart!" shouted Kuno. "I can dine with the lovely Akane and the gorgeous pigtailed girl both at the same time! My dream has come true at last!"

"Just sit down, Kuno," growled Ranma.

"Of course," said Kuno, sitting between the two girls.

Ryoga clenched his fists, working to control his temper. "Tatewaki Kuno! I help you, and this is how you repay me? By ruining my evening with Akane?"

"Oh, come on, Ryoga," said Ranma, putting her hand on Ryoga’s shoulder. "Haven’t you ever heard of a double date? Two guys, two girls."

"Except in this case, it’s three guys and only one and a half girls," Ryoga pointed out.

"Just try to overlook that," said Ranma. "Let’s just enjoy our dinner together without fighting for once, hmm?"

"Very well," whispered Ryoga through clenched teeth. "In the interest of not spoiling Akane’s appetite, I’ll go along with it for now."

"Great," said Ranma. "Gee, I wonder if they have that sweet and sour pork here? Sound good to you, Ryoga?" Ryoga slouched under the table slightly. "What’s wrong, Ryoga? Not a fan of pigs?"

"I can’t eat pork," said Ryoga. "For religious reasons."

"Oh," said Ranma, grabbing a menu innocently. "I thought it was just because you identified so closely with pigs, it would be like cannibalism."

"How dare you! And in front of Akane, no less! Have you no scruples?"

"You’re a fine one to talk, Ryoga," retorted Ranma. "After you blabbed my secret to Kuno."

Ryoga stiffened. "How did you know about that?"

Ranma smiled evilly. "I didn’t. But now I do."

The maitre d’ appeared, pad in hand. "Are you ready to order now?"

"Why, yes," said Ranma, as the others opened their menus for the first time. "I’m going to have the most expensive pork platter you have."

"One Roast Suckling Pig for the young lady," said the maitre d’, checking it off on his pad.

"I’ll have the Braised Duck in Lemon Wine," said Akane.

"And for the gentlemen?" asked the maitre d’.

"Uh, guys?" Ranma tapped Ryoga and Kuno on the shoulders, but the two seemed to have developed nervous twitches from looking at the menus.

"L-look at these prices!" stammered Ryoga.

"Some of them have eight digits!" moaned Kuno.

"Your orders please, sirs," demanded the maitre d’ impatiently.

Ryoga and Kuno folded their menus. "Glass of water," they said in unison.

*************************************************

Akane sighed. Every attempt she had made to start a conversation had been shot down in flames by everyone else at the table, as Ryoga had nothing to say to Akane that could be said in front of Ranma, Ranma was too angry at Ryoga to talk, and Kuno was speechless as a result of being so close to the two love interests of his life. The time had dragged by in total, uncomfortable silence as she chewed, mumbling to herself all the while.

"Here you are, sirs. Your –" the maitre d’ cleared his throat "- beverages."

"Wow, that was fast!" said Ranma. "We only placed our orders a minute ago!" She turned to Akane. "Hey Akane, what’s that napkin doing in your mouth?"

"I’m chewing on a napkin," replied Akane, "to take my mind off of you."

"What was that, Akane?" asked Ranma innocently. "I can’t understand you when you have a napkin in your mouth."

Akane removed the napkin from her mouth and threw it at Ranma. "You are such a jerk! Don’t you get it? This evening was going perfectly until you showed up and ruined it!"

"And I suppose you want me to just leave you and Ryoga alone for a nice quiet date, huh?"

Akane stood up. "That is NOT the point!"

"Be prepared for a big fight, Kuno," advised Ryoga as he sipped his water.

Ranma stood up, raising her arms. "Oh yeah?" Ranma’s elbow knocked the glass of water out of Ryoga’s hand, spilling it down his tuxedo front. Ryoga quickly dove under the table.

"Way to go, Ranma!" shouted Akane. "See what you’ve done now? This is all your fault!"

"My fault?" retorted Ranma. "It was an accident!"

"Sure, you ACCIDENTALLY chose THIS restaurant for your little date with Kuno, and ACCIDENTALLY sat at THIS table, right?" Fortunately for Ranma, she was too startled by Ryoga brushing against her leg to reply. She quickly pulled Ryoga’s tuxedo under her dress with her foot as Akane bent down to peer under the table. "Ryoga? It’s okay, you can come out now." She lifted the tablecloth. "He’s gone! But I saw him go under the table..."

"I think I saw him run off to the men’s room to get cleaned up," said Ranma. "I’d better go give him a hand." She stood up, adeptly using her foot to lift the tuxedo from the floor and drop it onto Ryoga.

"You’re going to the men’s room like that?" asked Akane.

"What do you mean?" asked Ranma. Then she looked down. "Oh yeah! I forgot! I’m a girl!"

"A strange thing to forget," said Kuno wistfully.

"What are you talking about, Kuno?" asked Ranma. "I thought you knew about... never mind." She quickly set off toward the restrooms, and Ryoga trotted along carrying his tuxedo on his back, hidden from prying eyes beneath the floor-length dress. Ranma stepped into the ladies’ room and turned on the first hot tap. "You’re lucky I didn’t want to spoil Akane’s evening any more than it already has been," said Ranma as she lifted Ryoga into the sink.

Ryoga leapt out of Ranma’s arms and onto the floor as soon as the hot water touched him. "It is all your fault, Ranma," said Ryoga.

"Hey, don’t take her side!" shouted Ranma. "I could have left you there, you know. If I hadn’t covered for you, Akane would have figured out that you’re really P-chan!"

"I’m surprised you didn’t take the opportunity," said Ryoga.

"Well, just because you revealed my secret to Kuno doesn’t give me the right to reveal yours to Akane, I guess."

"Are you sure you’re feeling okay, Ranma?" asked Ryoga. "You really aren’t acting like yourself lately."

Before Ranma could answer, a toilet flushed. "Someone’s coming out!" whispered Ranma. "You’d better hide!"

"Where?" Ryoga whispered back.

Ranma opened the nearest stall and pushed Ryoga in. "In there!" From inside the stall, a woman screamed. Ryoga screamed back, and there was a small splash. Then, the woman ran screaming out of the restroom. Ranma scooped up P-chan and carried him back to the sink. "That was embarrassing, Ryoga."

"Tell me about it," said Ryoga. "You could have let me get some clothes on before throwing me onto that woman."

"No, I wasn’t talking about that. I meant it was embarrassing having your curse activated with toilet water."

"If you ever breathe a word of this to Akane..." began Ryoga as he started to don his tuxedo.

"In there!" came the woman’s voice from outside the door. "There’s a man in there!"

"Quick, Ryoga!" shouted Ranma. "Back in the stall and finish getting dressed!"

"What are you going to do?"

Ranma glanced at the running tap. "Oh, I’ve got a plan..."

*************************************************

Akane groaned as Kuno leaned across the table. "Akane Tendo, please forgive my slight in forgetting to invite you on this soirée with the pigtailed girl. Already my sorrow overwhelms me, even in the face of such joy at having discovered you here despite my lack of forethought."

"Kuno, I’m really not interested in you," said Akane. "Get a clue."

"Such noble sacrifice, offering to give up your love for me in order to preserve my own feelings."

"That is NOT what I said."

Kuno grabbed Akane’s hand. "Please, allow me to make up for my lapse by dating with you!"

Akane pulled her hand back. "Never!" She stared in the direction of the restrooms. "Where are Ranma and Ryoga? They’re taking an awfully long time..."

The manager walked past the table, dragging a hysterical woman. "He’s a shape-changer, I tell you!" protested the woman. "That red-headed girl is a man! And I saw him turn into a pig!"

Akane stared long after the woman had been thrown out of the restaurant. "Why do I have the feeling that had something to do with Ranma... and what was that about a pig? He didn’t bring P-chan with him, did he? What would happen if that creepy maitre d’ found him?"

A waiter appeared with two plates. "Is this your pig?" he asked, removing the silver platter from the Roast Suckling Pig. Akane took one look at the cooked pig, screamed, and fainted.

"Even now, Akane Tendo swoons with passion for me!" shouted Kuno as he caught Akane. "Such a touching display! But like Prince Charming, I shall awaken her with a kiss!" He bent over Akane and lightly kissed her on the lips. Akane instantly awoke and smacked Kuno in the face.

"Gross!" she shouted, quickly rinsing her mouth with Kuno’s glass of water. "Why do I keep waking up kissing guys I have absolutely no interest in?"

At that moment, Ranma and Ryoga returned to their seats, laughing. "That was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen!" chuckled Ranma.

"I wish I’d seen the look on her face!" agreed Ryoga.

Akane did a slow burn. "You... JERKS!" She slapped Ryoga and Ranma, then stormed out of the restaurant. "I can’t believe you’d play a trick like that!"

Ranma stared blankly at Ryoga. "I don’t get it. She wasn’t even in the bathroom."

"You’ve ruined my date with Akane, Ranma!" shouted Ryoga. "She hates me now!" He grabbed a teapot from a nearby table. "I’m going to fight you now, man to man!" He threw the teapot at Ranma.

A pair of hands grabbed Ranma around the waist, pulling her out of the way as the hot water splashed harmlessly onto the floor. "Never fear, fair maiden," said Kuno. "I shall protect you from that water which you so fear."

"Thanks, Kuno," said Ranma. Then, she did a double take. "Did you say ‘fear?’"

"Oh, how I feel for you, pigtailed one!" shouted Kuno. "To have been cursed with a fear of hot water by being dropped into a boiling bath when a baby!"

Ranma twitched involuntarily. "Fear... of hot water?"

"Ryoga Hibiki told me the tragic tale," admitted Kuno. "But never fear, sweet goddess! I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall carry the secret to my grave!"

"It’ll be an early grave!" shouted Ranma, pounding Kuno in the head. "And you!" she continued, turning to Ryoga.

"Um, I’ll be going now!" shouted Ryoga as he leapt over the table and charged out the door.

"Come back here!" shouted Ranma, chasing after him. "I don’t care if I am a girl, I’m taking you up on that fight!"

Kuno stood up. "Never fear, beloved one! I shall smite the infidel for you!" He started to run for the door, but a strong hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Your check, sir," said the maitre d’, holding the check in front of Kuno’s face. Kuno fainted.

*************************************************

"Whew, that’s the last of them," said Ukkyo as she stacked the plate she’d just washed with the others. "Time to relax at last." She opened the kitchen door and saw Ranma walking across the restaurant. "Ranma honey? What are you doing here at this hour?"

Ranma stared blankly at Ukkyo through glassy eyes. "I came for you."

"Well, here I am," said Ukkyo. "What did you need?"

"I need you," answered Ranma in the same monotone.

Ukkyo gulped. "You’re starting to scare me, Ranma. Stop it."

"I want to take you," said Ranma, slowly moving toward Ukkyo.

"Stay back!" she shouted, backing away.

"Just hold still," advised Ranma. "Fighting will only make it hurt."

"No! Stay away from me, Ranma!" shouted Ukkyo, lobbing a handful of spatulas at Ranma. They passed right through him and embedded themselves in the opposite wall.

"You can’t fight me." Ranma opened his mouth wide, revealing nothing but blackness within. The blackness spread, enveloping Ranma’s entire body in a miasma of darkness. Tendrils of dark matter reached out for Ukkyo as she cringed backwards. "I will have you."

Ukkyo felt the unyielding wall against her back. "Go away! Don’t touch me!" she screamed, reaching for her spatula.

"It’s useless to resist. You are mine." Ukkyo swung the spatula at the apparition with all her might. The wisps of blackness dissipated as the spatula passed through them and recoalesced afterward.

"Get away from me!" shouted Ukkyo, pressing herself firmly against the wall as the reaching tendrils closed in on her. The wall fell away beneath her left hand. A door...

"You will not escape!" shouted the demon as Ukkyo slid herself along the wall toward the door. Ukkyo ducked under the tentacles that threatened to cut her off from the door and pushed her way through into the kitchen. The demon screamed its rage as she ran out the back door and escaped into the Nerima night.