Chapter 6: Look out, Akane! The One Thousand Pig Tornado Punch

Cologne clicked her tongue as she poured the hot water onto her great-granddaughter. "You disappoint me, Shampoo. You failed to distract Akane at the appropriate time."

"Is not my fault," protested Shampoo. "Hot water not there. Shampoo think maybe demon take."

"Why would the demon do a thing like that?" asked Cologne.

"Shampoo not trust demon. All demons evil. Maybe demon serve you, but if demon have other plan, no way to stop."

Cologne shook her head. "You know that’s not true. This demon isn’t like other demons."

Shampoo crossed her arms defiantly. "I know. Still not trust."

"So be it," said Cologne, pogoing across the kitchen to check on her batch of ramen. "But whether or not you trust the demon, you have an obligation to the Amazon tribe that you must uphold. I am doing what I can to help you, but you must make sure that Akane does not interfere again. The next session had better proceed smoothly or you will wish you’d never been born!"

"Yes, great-grandmother." Shampoo spooned the ramen into bowls, placed it on a tray, and carried it out of the kitchen to the customers.

"I’m truly sorry about this," said Cologne. "Shampoo is usually so reliable."

The man listening from behind the crates simply nodded in response.

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"The one thing this book hasn’t helped me with is my sense of direction," moaned Ryoga, turning down another Nerima street. "Maybe I’d better stop here and ask for directions." As he walked up to the door, Ryoga reflected on Kuno’s ludicrous suggestion on how to win Akane’s heart. With a slight modification, though, his plan had made a lot of sense. In turn, properly used, the information he’d given Kuno would ensure his success... once. "Hope you enjoy your date with Ranma, Kuno," chuckled Ryoga as he raised his hand to knock on the door.

The door opened before Ryoga could knock even once. "Ryoga?" asked Akane. "What are you doing at Doctor Tofu’s office?"

"I was looking for you, Akane," explained Ryoga. "It’s lucky I came here first. I’ve just learned a new martial arts technique and wanted to show it to you."

"That’s rather thoughtful of you, Ryoga," said Akane. "I’d love to see it."

"There’s only one problem, though. I can only use it in combat. It involves the opponent’s ki."

"Well, there must be someone around here who would challenge you." She began to look in all directions for any potential challengers.

A large panda appeared behind Ryoga holding a sign. "I’LL CHALLENGE YOU." Ryoga kicked Genma in the face and laid him flat before Akane turned back.

"I don’t see anyone," she announced.

"That’s a shame," said Ryoga. "Without an opponent, I can’t demonstrate the technique."

"Hmmm..." Akane considered this. "I’ll be your opponent!"

"You?" asked Ryoga as if in disbelief. "I wouldn’t want to hurt you."

"Don’t worry," Akane assured him. "I can take care of myself."

"But I’d be afraid that I couldn’t give you my best effort," said Ryoga, leading her on.

"Well, then why don’t we come up with an added incentive? A prize for the winner!"

"I’ve got an idea," said Ryoga. "If I beat you, you have to buy me dinner at the restaurant of my choosing!"

"Fine," agreed Akane. "And if I win, you have to buy me dinner!"

"Sounds fair," said Ryoga. "Let’s get it on!" He ripped a bandana from around his forehead and flung it at Akane, who easily dodged it.

"Hey! That’s not a new technique!" shouted Akane.

"Well, I can’t just use it straight off," explained Ryoga. "You’d be expecting it. I have to use it in combination with other techniques." He pulled his umbrella from its sheath and flung it at Akane, who ducked as it whirled past her head.

"If that’s how you want it..." She charged at Ryoga with a flurry of punches and kicks, which he had no trouble dodging. She ducked the return flight of Ryoga’s umbrella and flipped to a safe distance, awaiting Ryoga’s next advance. "What’s wrong with me?" Akane asked herself. "I have to focus!" She pictured Ranma taunting her and prepared to enter the Botsuzento fighting zone.

"Hey, Akane!" said Ranma’s disembodied voice. "You’re so uncute!" Akane’s fist clenched, and she charged at Ryoga with a gut-twisting battle cry. Ryoga opened his umbrella to ward off the blow, but Akane’s punch sent the parasol flying out of Ryoga’s hand. The next punch landed in Ryoga’s face, sending him into the air to join the umbrella.

"That’s impossible!" screamed Ryoga, suddenly realizing that he was in over his head. There was no way he could beat Akane when she was angry, unless... His depression welled up inside him as he landed nimbly on his feet. "Shishi Houkoudan!" he shouted, releasing a huge ki blast at Akane.

"You gonna let that pig beat you?" taunted the voice in Akane’s head. "That’s pretty disappointing. A tomboy like you should be able to fight better than that." Akane shrieked her rage as she leaped over the projectile.

Doctor Tofu stepped out of the clinic. "Akane, I forgot to ask – AAH!" he screamed as the stray Shishi Houkoudan exploded in his face. "Never mind," he said, breathing a small mushroom cloud. "I have to go see the doctor." He stepped back into the clinic and closed the door.

"How did she –" wondered Ryoga, as Akane planted her foot firmly in his face and kicked off to land several feet away. She turned and darted into close range, curling her fingers to strike at Ryoga again.

"You’re the greatest master of the Botsuzento style I’ve ever met," said Kyokou-Ranma. Akane nearly tripped as her fist missed Ryoga’s head completely. Why had she imagined Ranma saying something nice? That had never happened to her before...

Ryoga leapt away from Akane’s path and grabbed his belt. "Well, it looks like you’re out of the zone now." He flicked the belt and it became a rigid blade. "Now is the time to show you my new technique." He grabbed his bandana, still tied into a circle, and thrust the blade into it. "Watch the bandana closely." He began to swing the blade in a small circle, and the bandana spun around like a hula-hoop. As she watched the spinning cloth, Akane felt herself becoming dizzy, but she couldn’t tear her eyes away for a second.

"Stop it!" she screamed, turning her entire head away from the twirling headpiece. There, to the side, was an identical bandana, held in the hand of another Ryoga. She turned the other way, only to face yet another identical copy of her opponent. Every way she looked, there were more Ryogas. Hundreds of them, all twirling their bandanas.

"Do you understand now?" the Ryogas asked in unison. "I can copy myself as many times as I please, or so it seems, but there’s only one real Ryoga." They began to spin around Akane in a circle. "I learned this ability from watching Cologne, although I added my own slight modifications. See if you can defeat the ancient Amazon-Japanese technique of the One-Thousand Pig Tornado Punch! Senbuta Gufuukiru!" The Ryoga clones began to spin faster and faster until Akane could no longer distinguish between them, forming a tornado with Akane at the center.

A fist flew from the tornado and slammed into Akane’s chest, knocking her backwards into the next punch. She twisted aside to avoid the next punch, but it clobbered her despite her attempts to escape. The fists flew faster and faster until Akane was sure that more than one image was throwing the punches. She struck out at one of them, but at that instant Ryoga stopped spinning, revealing himself to be behind her. She quickly spun to kick him, but he was already moving again, and her foot went right through the empty space where he had been. Ryoga pounded Akane from every angle, and she shrank from the blows.

Knowing that she couldn’t defeat this technique on her own, Akane pictured Ranma in her head once again. "You can be a really nice person at times," he said. A fist smashed Akane in the nose, knocking her off of her feet, as she realized that her mental image of Ranma simply couldn’t infuriate her enough anymore. She leapt into the air to escape the tornado, but the swirling Ryogas moved with her and she landed right in the middle of the attack once again. Akane screamed, squeezed her eyes shut, and stuck her foot out for one last desperate kick.

The rain of blows suddenly stopped. Akane slowly opened her eyes to see Ryoga lying flat on the ground, unconscious. She ran into the clinic for a bucket of water, passing Genma in the lobby. She failed to notice the broken sign in his paw, cracked as if it had been smashed against a hard surface; or the smug expression on his face, as if he had just taught someone a valuable lesson. Bucket in hand, Akane returned to the front lawn and splashed its contents on Ryoga’s face. What she saw next came as a total shock.

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Ranma walked back to the Tendo dojo, deep in thought. "Why does Kuno want to go out with me if he knows that I’m really a guy? It doesn’t make sense! But he said he knew my secret, and he did have that kettle of hot water to prove his point." She nearly gagged as a mental picture she really hadn’t wanted to think about surfaced. "I really hope he hasn’t spent his life chasing after women just to disguise the fact that he really – no, that’s too revolting even for a slime like Kuno!"

So intense was Ranma’s contemplation that she nearly missed the voices coming from Doctor Tofu’s clinic. She stopped to listen to the conversation from behind the fence.

"That was incredible!" said Akane. "I’ve never seen anyone move that fast! You didn’t get a single drop on you!"

"There’s a lot you don’t know about me, Akane," replied Ryoga. "Of course, we’ll have plenty of time to discuss that over dinner tonight, won’t we?" Ranma slapped herself in the head. What a lame pick-up line! Of course, any pick-up line was pretty unexpected from Ryoga, but given his behavior toward Akane lately, Ranma wouldn’t put anything past him.

"That we do," said Akane. Ranma’s hand slid down her face. She’d accepted the date!

"Where do you want to go?" asked Ryoga.

Akane paused. "You know, I’ve had my eye on that new fancy restaurant downtown ever since it opened, but the prices are way too high for me."

"As you wish," answered Ryoga, and Ranma could just picture him bowing as he said it.

"You know, Ryoga," said Akane, "you’ve become a completely different person over the past few days, and I really like the new you. What you did last night, for example." Ranma cringed, remembering Ryoga’s hands groping at Akane’s breasts while his tongue had a good taste of her tonsils. "I can’t imagine the old you doing that," Akane continued.

"I certainly wouldn’t have!" chuckled Ryoga. "I would have been too busy trying to kill Ranma!"

"Sure, laugh it up," fumed Ranma to herself. "While you take Akane out to a fancy romantic dinner and then make out when you get back."

"Should we do it again tonight?" asked Ryoga. Ranma silently prayed that Akane would decline.

The pause was long enough for several heart attacks on Ranma’s part. "Probably not," Akane said at last. "Ranma will start to think something’s going on. Nothing happened last night, so I think we’re pretty safe." NOTHING HAPPENED?! Ranma had to bite her tongue to prevent herself from screaming at the top of her lungs. Did they think she was blind?

"Okay. In that case, I’ll meet you for dinner at seven thirty."

"Sounds good," said Akane. "I’m looking forward to it."

Ranma’s face burned. How dare she go out with that pig as if she didn’t already have a fiancé! Ranma decided she’d heard enough and quickly took off, but not toward the Tendo dojo. She had a date to make... with Kuno.

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"You’re unusually cheery," remarked Ranma as he and Kuno approached Gosunkugi’s house.

"My jubilance exceeds the power of mere words to convey it," replied Kuno, twirling a pirouette. "My invitation has been received and accepted, and tonight we shall at last date!"

"How utterly thrilling," said Ranma. "A date with the ‘pig-tailed girl’ at last. I really didn’t think you swung that way, Kuno."

"Of course, it hurts my heart so to betray the fair Akane Tendo, but..."

"Enough!" shouted Ranma, raising a fist threateningly. "Aren’t you the least bit worried about your sister? She’s the reason we’re doing this, remember?" Ranma was glad he’d taken the time to change back after accepting Kuno’s invitation. Trying to keep Kuno on the level as a girl would have taken a miracle.

"Ah! My poor sister," moaned Kuno. "How I wish she could be here to witness my moment of triumph, when the time of our date finally arrives!"

Ranma groaned and knocked on the door. "I’m only doing it because you threatened me! And you’d better keep your end of the bargain!"

"Of course," said Kuno, straightening up. "I am a gentleman, after all."

The door opened. Hikaru peeked around the door and looked around. "Is Akane not with you?"

Ranma shook his head. "She’s got other plans."

Hikaru sighed. "Very well. Come in and I’ll show you what I’ve found. It isn’t very much, I’m afraid." Ranma and Kuno made their way into the foyer, stepping around the ladder.

"Say, Hikaru," asked Ranma, "why have you got a ladder right in front of the door?"

Hikaru forced a laugh. "Just in case I need to get it outside in a hurry, it’s right there."

Kuno scowled. "Then wouldn’t it be easier to keep the ladder outside?"

"I don’t want it getting stolen!"

"Who would steal a ladder?" asked Ranma, as a scrap of colored cloth caught his eye. Hikaru ignored the question and motioned for the others to follow him into the study. Ranma stayed behind long enough to grab the scrap of cloth, which turned out to be the dress on a very realistic doll of Akane. Ranma turned the doll over in his hands, looking at it from all angles.

On the other side of town, Akane reeled and lost her balance, nearly stumbling into Ryoga. "Is something wrong?" asked Ryoga.

"I hope not," replied Akane. "I feel so dizzy..."

"Good workmanship," decided Ranma. "I can’t even see the stitches." He jabbed his finger into the doll’s stomach. "It’s kinda cute, though."

Akane rolled on the ground laughing. "Stop it! That tickles!"

Ryoga stared at her in disbelief. "Something very strange is happening here..."

"Saotome!" bellowed Kuno’s voice from the next room. "Do you care to join us?"

"Right," Ranma called back, quickly making his way to the study. As he approached, he realized that he was still holding the doll and quickly dropped it behind a potted plant before entering the room.

Hikaru pulled a large book to the front of the desk. Its pages were barely visible through the thick cover of paper clips that marked them. "This book contains information on all of the various entities – creatures or otherwise – that might have an interest in kidnapping someone. I’ve marked the pages of possible candidates with these paper clips."

Kuno picked up the book and randomly opened it. "There are paper clips on every page of this book."

Hikaru nodded. "That’s right. There’s not really enough information to narrow it down. For example, if your sister was the only victim, then the pages with yellow paper clips are the ones we need to look at. If, on the other hand, there will be more kidnappings in the future, then we can reject those and concentrate only on the other colors. Then, we’d need to figure out the pattern that determines the victims in order to find our culprit."

Ranma fumed. "In other words, you don’t have any clue where Kodachi is. Some help."

"If I had more information, I could narrow the selection down farther," said Hikaru.

"Right," said Ranma. "Don’t call us; we’ll call you."

"I can tell you one important piece of information that may save your life," called out Hikaru as Ranma turned to leave.

Ranma paused, then turned back. "What’s that?"

Hikaru’s face grew dark, and his tone became very somber as he spoke. "It’s never wise to seek out a demon. I have experience dealing with them, so I should be able to handle it, but I would advise that you not try to take on the demon yourself."

Kuno’s eyes flashed. "No demon shall stand between me and my sister! The power of brotherly love is all I shall require to smite this scourge from the earth!"

Ranma smacked Kuno in the back of the head. "Get a grip, Kuno! That ‘love conquers all’ baloney only works in stories! This is real life!"

Kuno glared at Ranma. "That hurt, you know. But it did bring me back to my senses and remind me of the true danger that we face now. I must hasten in my preparations for tonight’s date, lest my presentation be less than exemplary." He grabbed Ranma’s shoulders. "Pigtailed girl, tonight you will be mine!" He ran out of the house, leaving Ranma and Hikaru staring after him, wide-eyed.

"He has a serious problem," noted Hikaru.

"You ain’t kidding," replied Ranma. "This date’s going to be the worst experience of my life. But at least I get some enjoyment out of it."

"How’s that?"

Ranma smiled evilly. "Akane and Ryoga are having their date at the same restaurant." He rubbed his hands together with glee. "Wait until Akane sees me there with Kuno. She’ll flip!"

"Are you sure that’s a good idea?" asked Hikaru. "Akane becomes rather dangerous when she’s upset. Making her jealous could be suicidal!"

"Maybe not," admitted Ranma. "But it’s too late to back out now. I’m in all the way, for better or worse." His body sagged. "Why do I get the feeling it’s going to be worse?"