Ranma ½ -- A Deadly Choice

Chapter 4: You Can Find Happi’s Nest in the Strangest of Places

Tatewaki Kuno grabbed Ranma’s arm as the entire Tendo family looked on. "Ranma Saotome, last night I watched you spirit my sister away before my very eyes. Return her at once or face my wrath!"

Ranma yawned. "First of all, I didn’t kidnap your sister. Second, even if I could somehow bring your sister back, you’d have to ask me a lot more politely. And third, Kachu Tenshin Amaguriken!" Ranma’s fist became a blur, pounding into Kuno’s face and chest until the poetry-spouting martial artist was forced to let go. "Third, I’m not scared of your wrath at all. So go ahead, do your worst. You might even need this." He grabbed Kuno’s bokken from behind his back and tossed it to its owner. "But I’m telling you right now, it won’t help Kodachi."

Kuno lunged at Ranma, swinging his bokken faster than the eye could see. Ranma easily dodged every swing. "Fight back, Ranma Saotome!"

"Why?" asked Ranma, not missing a beat. "I have no reason to attack you."

"Oh, Ranchan!" called Ukkyo as she rounded the corner of the house. As soon as her eyes fell on the combatants in the backyard, she shrieked a battle cry and charged forward, smashing Kuno over the head with her spatula and knocking him out for the count.

Ranma stared down at the fallen Kuno. "I was planning to just keep dodging until he got tired, but I suppose that works too."

"I wasn’t expecting thanks," said Ukkyo sarcastically. "I just came by to remind you that lunch is on me today. I won’t take no for an answer, especially since you didn’t even touch yesterday’s lunch."

"I’d love to," replied Ranma, "but I don’t think Akane would be too happy about it."

"Oh, I don’t mind at all," said Akane, who had joined the rest of her family in the dining room while Ranma and Kuno fought. "At least it will keep you out of my hair for a few hours," she continued under her breath, but intentionally loud enough for Ranma to hear.

"It’s a date then!" enthused Ukkyo, clapping her hands happily.

Kuno groaned and stood up. "Had enough, Kuno?" asked Ranma.

Kuno immediately struck a fighting pose. "Never! I will have had enough when my sister stands before me and not a moment sooner!"

Ranma sighed. "Look, if you want my help finding your sister, fine. But I really don’t have the patience to fight you right now."

"Accept help from the one who stole her? I have too much honor to ally myself with the likes of you."

"Which is more important to you? Your honor or Kodachi?" Kuno considered the question. "Well? Which one?"

"Do not interrupt my pondering," warned Kuno. "Such a difficult choice cannot be made lightly, lest the scorned party become forever stained for having been discarded."

"Kuno baby," interrupted Nabiki, "let’s put it this way: if you don’t accept Ranma’s help, chances are you’ll never see your sister again. But once Ranma sets his mind on something, it gets done."

"This is blackmail!" shouted Kuno.

"I see it more as an arrangement of convenience," corrected Nabiki. "You get some help locating Kodachi from someone with an ounce of brains, and Ranma is willing to go along with it to avoid having to put up with you any longer than necessary. Right, Ranma?"

Ranma nodded. "Besides which, if Kuno really did see someone who looked like me kidnapping his sister, that means someone’s trying to frame me. That makes this personal."

"So what makes you think that Ranma kidnapped your sister?" asked Ukkyo.

"It was the screams that brought me to her room," said Kuno. "I was too late in reaching her door, as all that remained was a pile of her own black roses. However, upon attaining the window I was just in time to see Ranma vanish before my very eyes."

"I don’t know about the rest of the story," began Ranma, "but I definitely can’t vanish into thin air."

"Yet every time the pigtailed girl appears, you are nowhere to be seen," Kuno pointed out.

"Let’s just forget about the pigtailed girl and focus on the evidence we have," said Nabiki. "We already know that it can’t be Ranma, because the only thing Ranma can make disappear is large amounts of food. So, who looks like Ranma, has the ability to disappear at will, and might want to kidnap Kodachi?"

"I don’t think you’ll find anyone who fits that last qualification," said Ranma. "The kidnappers would pay ransom for the privilege of returning her!"

Kuno raised his bokken again. "Such a slur I shall never permit!"

"Hold it, Kuno," warned Ukkyo, interposing her spatula between the two would-be duelists. "I think he has a point. All we have to do is figure out who has a motive to kidnap Kodachi and we’ll know exactly where to find her."

"That’s not going to be easy," said Ranma. "Who’d be insane enough to want to kidnap a crazy, unintelligent, grabby, vain, and only somewhat attractive teenage girl?"

There was a slight pause. "HAPPOSAI!" shouted everyone, with the exception of Genma and Mousse, neither of whom were capable of speech at the moment, and Kuno, who was too busy fuming to appreciate Ranma’s insight.

"So, where is that old lecher hiding these days?" asked Ranma. "I haven’t seen him around recently."

"I believe he found a place to stay in town where he could get some privacy," said Kasumi. "I don’t remember whether or not he gave a reason."

"I think I know the reason," said Ranma. "Panties aren’t enough for him anymore. He’s finally decided he wants close contact with women, and now he’s kidnapping them and dragging them back to his own little private place where he can do whatever he wants with them."

"And you claim that my sister has fallen victim to this evil scheme?" shouted Kuno. "I must deliver her unto liberty at once!" He ran for the gate with his bokken held high.

"Kuno, wait!" shouted Ranma, chasing after him. "You’ll never beat Happosai on your own!"

"Ranma, don’t leave without me!" shouted Akane, following close behind.

"Don’t forget to take a break for lunch!" Ukkyo called after them.

Soun took a sip of his tea. "It’s so nice to see them working together, eh Saotome?" He felt a slight nudge, and looked down to see a small black pig sitting in a pile of clothes, oinking insistently. Soun obligingly poured the rest of the hot water onto the pig.

"Thank you," said Ryoga as he left the house, hot off the trail of the others.

Nabiki crouched by the koi pond, where Mousse had finally managed to splash his way onto dry land. "I’ll bet you want some hot water, right?" Mousse quacked his agreement. "Well, let’s see... how much money will you have on you when you return to human form?"

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Hikaru Gosunkugi sniffed at his latest creation with delight. His voodoo recipe was almost complete. Today was the day when his dreams would be realized. He opened the book and carefully reviewed the procedure. One mistake could be costly, both for him and his target. The first part of the plan had been set into motion; however, part two was the key to the entire operation.

The timer beeped, briefly diverting Hikaru’s attention from his book. He carefully opened the oven and removed the baking sheet. "Aah, my beautiful chocolate chip cookies," he said, setting the tray on the counter. "Once these have cooled, it will be time." He grabbed his materials and began to follow the directions in the book. Those pictures he’d taken would soon come in very handy...

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The bushes rustled, and Kuno came to a halt. Ranma and Akane stopped short just behind him. "What’s going on?" asked Ranma.

A small figure popped out of the bushes. "Master Kuno, I have searched all of Tokyo, and your sister is nowhere to be found."

"Then you have not searched hard enough!" shouted Kuno. "Sasuke, I tire of your incompetence!"

Sasuke bowed low. "Please, Master, I have done what little I could. Tokyo is a large city."

"We need to find the one known as Happosai," said Kuno. "It is with him that we will find Kodachi." Sasuke sniggered loudly. "What do you find so humorous, Sasuke?"
"Nothing, Master Kuno," said Sasuke, quickly stifling his mirth. "I came upon Happosai during my search. Allow me to lead the way." Sasuke charged into the bushes, and the rest of the group quickly followed.

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"So, they think Happosai kidnapped Kodachi?" asked Cologne. The dark figure nodded. "Very interesting. We may need to move on to the next stage of the schedule." The figure swept out of the room, leaving a dark trail behind it that lingered like a strong odor for several minutes before clearing. Cologne leaped to the kitchen floor, waving her staff to disperse the last of the blackness. "This could turn out to be very interesting," she thought. "That book has certainly made capturing son-in-law’s heart much easier, and apparently he doesn’t suspect a thing, yet. The next kidnapping should go without a hitch."

"Nihao, great-grandmother," said Shampoo as she entered the kitchen. "Is demon gone?"

"Yes, dear. Are you ready for the next phase of the plan?"

Shampoo nodded. "Is working? Ranma will love Shampoo?"

"I believe so. We have to make sure that the training is taking hold. You know what to do."

"Yes." Shampoo grabbed a bucket of water and poured it over herself.

"Be back soon, dear," called Cologne. "We have customers waiting."

"Meow," answered Shampoo, darting out the back door in search of Ranma.

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"He’s right up there, on the third floor," came the distant voice. Happosai froze and quickly stashed his book under his mattress.

"Very well, then," answered another voice. "I shall find the information I seek."

"We’re coming with you," protested a third, this time from the stairwell. Happosai recognized that voice: Ranma.

"I will not require your assistance," replied the second voice.

"I wouldn’t be so sure," warned Akane. "This guy may be more of a pervert than Ranma, but he knows his martial arts." Happosai did a double take. Akane coming to visit him? It couldn’t be a friendly visit, whatever its purpose. Still, he could handle them all...

His eyes fell on his latest trophy, the pink panties that Ryoga had so recently secured for him, which were now prominently displayed on the wall. If Akane saw them, she’d go on a rampage that not even the greatest secrets of Anything-Goes Martial Arts would be able to stop. He leaped up and grabbed the underwear from the wall, thrusting it under his mattress with the book just as the door flew open.

"Where is my sister?" bellowed Kuno as he threw himself onto the old man. Happosai easily flipped Kuno into the wall.

"Hello to you too," said Happosai cheerily. "Ranma, my boy, you certainly pick strange friends. You should teach this one to knock like a civilized person."

"You’re a fine one to talk," Ranma replied darkly.

"So, what is this about a missing sister?" asked Happosai.

Ranma quickly explained the circumstances as he’d heard them from Kuno. "It seems really suspicious that you moved out to this apartment just before Kodachi disappeared," he finished.

"It can mean only that you have kidnapped my sister and are planning to engage in illicit activities with her," shouted the recovering Kuno. "That I will never allow!"

"Now hold on there, young man," protested Happosai. "I haven’t kidnapped anyone. I may have stolen more pairs of panties than you’ll ever see, but kidnapping the woman who wears them is not my style. I’m a lecher, not a criminal!"

"It’s not something to be proud of," Akane pointed out.

"Society needs people like me!" argued Happosai. "Besides, it’s a man’s close contact with the opposite gender that encompasses so much of Anything-Goes Martial Arts!"

"The subject may waver but it will not change!" shouted Kuno. "The evidence points to you as the kidnapper and I am not so blind as to overlook a single piece!"

Happosai’s eyes darted back and forth from Kuno to his mattress. Neither choice was very pleasant... He sighed and pulled the book out from under the mattress. "I got this place so I could do some reading in private."

"You? Reading?" asked Akane, unbelieving. Kuno grabbed the book and opened it. As soon as his eyes landed on the pages, they fought to pop right out of his head. His mouth fell open and a line of drool dripped out, while blood gushed from his nose.

Happosai rescued the book just in time. "Careful with that! You’ll ruin it!"

"Let me take a look," said Ranma. "I’m pretty used to female bodies, considering I spend half of my time in one." With a quick glance at Kuno, who was too spaced out to have heard the comment, Ranma grabbed the book and opened it to a random page. His eyes bulged and a trickle of blood dripped from his nose. "Wah..." he gurgled.

"You are both so immature," said Akane, taking the book from Ranma. She couldn’t help but glance at the contents as she handed it back to Happosai. As soon as she saw the pictures, her breath stopped, her eyes bugged out, and her nose began to bleed.

"Pretty good find, eh?" chuckled Happosai as he took the book back. "So beautiful, even women can’t resist ‘em!"

Akane was the first to recover. "You got this place so you could look at sexy pictures without anyone bothering you?"

Happosai nodded. "Too bad it didn’t work. You still found me."

"But we haven’t found Kodachi. Any idea where she might be?" she asked hopefully.

Happosai considered the matter. "It sounds to me like some sort of demon kidnapped her."

"A demon?" asked Ranma, coming to.

"That’s right. I can’t say any more than that, though. You’ll have to ask someone who knows something about demons specifically. Cologne might be able to help you."

"I have no desire to go anywhere near that old bag," said Ranma.

"Neither do I," echoed Akane. "There is that creepy guy from school, Hikaru Gosunkugi. I bet he’d be able to tell us more about that demon. He’s really into all that supernatural voodoo stuff."

"Demons are hardly voodoo," said Ranma, "but it’s about the best lead we’ve got right now. Kuno, you coming?"

"E-even more beautiful than my pig-tailed goddess!" stammered Kuno. "I must have her!"

Ranma smacked Kuno in the face. "Come on, let’s go!" He grabbed the half-conscious Kuno’s arm and dragged him out the door, protesting all the way.

Akane turned back with one foot out the door. "What’s that pink fabric hanging out from under the mattress?" she asked.

Happosai flushed and quickly thrust the panties back under the mattress. "This? Oh, nothing... just an old sheet I keep tucked away under the mattress."

"Why would you keep a sheet under... never mind, I don’t want to know!" Akane hastily left the room. Happosai sighed deeply and sat down on the bed to read his book, trying to ignore the feeling that his actions were being watched. Seconds passed before the feeling became too great to ignore, and he reached over his shoulder, grabbed Sasuke, and threw him out the window before continuing to read.

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Kasumi hummed to herself as she made her way down the stairs. She opened the dining room door and gasped at the sight that greeted her.

"Hi Kasumi," said Nabiki. "A little help would be greatly appreciated."

"My goodness," said Kasumi. "What happened?"

"Mousse showed me the Amazon method of haggling. I have to say, it’s pretty effective."

"It seems rather harsh, doesn’t it?"

Nabiki did her best to shrug, under the circumstances. "Maybe. It’s hard to think when the blood’s rushing to your head like this."

"Don’t worry," said Kasumi. "I’ll get you down." She ran into the kitchen and returned with a knife, quickly working to cut through the rope that secured Nabiki’s feet several inches from the ceiling.

"Say, Kasumi, you probably want to cut that rope..." She stopped as the rope snapped and she landed hard on her head. "... last."

"Oops," replied Kasumi. "I wasn’t thinking." She bent down and began to work at cutting Nabiki free from the cocoon of ropes that encased her.

"Oh, don’t worry, Mousse," declared Nabiki under her breath. "You may have humiliated me this time, but you will pay."

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"A demon?" Kuno wondered aloud, once Ranma and Akane had brought him to his senses and explained the situation. "Oh, my dear sister, how I wish I had been able to protect you!" Ranma suddenly stopped dead in his tracks.

"Ranma, what’s wrong?" asked Akane, before she too saw the cat crossing their path. Shampoo meowed softly around a mouthful of fish sausage and leaped into Ranma’s arms. Ranma held her as far from himself as possible, closing his eyes tightly. Akane reached out to take Shampoo from Ranma, but Shampoo lashed out with her claws, scratching Akane’s hand.

"It’s okay," said Ranma, breathing deeply. "It’s just Shampoo in cat form. I can deal with that."

"Meow," said Shampoo, climbing up Ranma’s arm and depositing a necklace made of fish sausage around his neck. Suddenly, cats began to appear from every alley for miles, swarming around Ranma and meowing incessantly. Ranma’s eyes darted back and forth, watching as the felines advanced.

"Oh no!" shouted Akane. "We have to get him out of here!"

"It’s okay," said Ranma, not taking his eyes off of the hungry cats. "I think I can handle this."

"What happens if you turn into a cat again?"

"These cats are just hungry," replied Ranma. "They want the fish sausage, not me. Being afraid of such small animals is irrational." He removed the necklace from his neck and began to tear chunks of sausage off of it, tossing them to the mob of cats. The cats began to fight each other for the pieces of sausage, ignoring Ranma completely. Finally, he fed the last piece to Shampoo and lightly scratched her head. "See? Nothing to be afraid of. Let’s go." He stepped around the pile of fighting cats, carrying a contentedly purring Shampoo with him until she hopped out of his arms and ran back in the direction from which she’d appeared.

Akane and Kuno looked at each other, then Ranma, then each other again. "Saotome appears to have conquered his fear of cats," noted Kuno.

"Yeah," answered Akane. "Now I’M the one who’s afraid."

"Of cats?"

"No. Of Ranma. And Cologne."

"Why Cologne?"

"Mr. Saotome said that it was impossible for Ranma to ever get over his fear of cats. But he actually held Shampoo just now and said that his fear was irrational. I know Cologne’s done something to him, but why cure his fear of cats?"

Kuno scratched his chin. "So is the cat named after the Amazon princess, or the hair care product that goes by the same appellation?"

Akane ignored the question. "Maybe it makes sense that she’d want Ranma not to be afraid of Shampoo, but that doesn’t explain the way he’s been acting recently. I still don’t think I’ve figured it out, but I’m getting closer. I can feel it!"

"Hey," Ranma called back. "What are you waiting for?" Akane and Kuno hastened to catch up with Ranma. None of them noticed the dark figure who was diligently following them, or the even darker figure following that one.