Chapter 3: Mousse vs. Kuno: The Pen is not always Mightier than the Sword

Ranma paused only briefly before entering the Tendo house. He quickly crossed the threshold and shut the door behind himself, nearly closing it on the tail of the small black pig tucked under his arm. Ryoga protested loudly. "Quiet, Ryoga!" hissed Ranma. "I’m already having my doubts about turning you back into a human so you can finish your pathetic excuse. But if Akane catches me with you, she’ll never let me change you back. So keep it quiet!"

Ranma silently slunk down the hallway toward the bathroom. All was quiet as he approached the bathroom door – until the door opened and a bathrobe-clad figure stepped out, drying her hair with a large towel. Ranma gasped and hid Ryoga behind his back.

"Are you hiding something, Ranma?" asked the figure.

"N-Nabiki?"

"You were expecting someone else?" asked Nabiki. "I don’t know what you’re trying to hide, but I think Akane’s going to find out pretty soon."

"Why’s that?"

"She’s right behind you." Nabiki pointed over Ranma’s shoulder before stepping into her room. Ranma turned just in time to see Akane stepping out of her own room. Belatedly, Ranma realized that he was once again holding Ryoga in front of himself – and in plain view of Akane.

"P-chan!" shouted Akane, grabbing the pig from Ranma’s arms. "What have you done to him?"

Ranma shrugged. "You see me carrying your precious pig and instantly assume that I’ve done something to it. Did you even stop to consider that maybe I found P-chan wandering aimlessly somewhere and brought him home? But no, Ranma’s always at fault when he tries to come between you and your beloved P-chan." Ryoga buried his snout in Akane’s shirt, knowing full well what was about to happen.

Akane clutched P-chan tighter and scowled. "You didn’t deny anything, Ranma."

"I was just going to give P-chan a nice warm bath, that’s all."

"More likely you wanted to try to drown him again," replied Akane. "P-chan happens to be a very clean pig, and he doesn’t need a bath right now."

Ranma watched Ryoga’s snout dig into Akane’s chest and felt his anger rising to the surface once again. "You’re right," he said. "He doesn’t need a bath after all. I don’t know what I could have been thinking." With that, he pushed his way past Akane and shut himself into his room.

Akane stamped her foot. "I just don’t understand what’s gotten into him today! Does he think he can win me over by helping me take care of you, P-chan? We don’t need that nasty Ranma to help us, do we?" Ryoga nodded vigorously, but Akane didn’t notice. She stormed into her own room and slammed the door. "Ranma’s just got me so mad! I don’t care if this IS Cologne’s work..." The color drained from her face. "Do you think this was Cologne’s plan? Do you think she’s trying to make Ranma and me hate each other?" Ryoga did his best to shrug.

Akane sat down on her bed and sighed. "I’ll bet she’s got something planned for tonight. Unfortunately, there’s no way I can watch him all night. After all the times I’ve yelled at him for coming into my room at night, spending the night in his room would be complete hypocrisy. If only Ryoga were here... He’s always willing to help out."

Ryoga leapt out of Akane’s arms and nudged the door open with his snout. "P-chan? Where are you going?" Akane followed P-chan down the hall until the pig darted into the open bathroom door, closing it behind himself. "P-chan going to take a bath on his own? That’s unusual..." She shook her head in amazement and stared at the closed door for several minutes before returning to her room.

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Soun Tendo didn’t bother to move a muscle while the black pig dove into his bath and turned into a young man wearing nothing but an orange bandana. He’d become rather used to it.

Ryoga grabbed a spare set of clothes from his ample stash in the bathroom closet and hastily dressed himself, then leapt out the window. After all, he didn’t want Akane to see Ryoga leaving the bathroom after P-chan had gone in. Despite her subconscious reluctance to believe that Ryoga and P-chan were one and the same, sooner or later the evidence would become too obvious to ignore. Until then, Ryoga would continue to use the window. He landed lightly on the lawn and turned to look back at the house, then leapt up to the window and quietly opened it.

He nearly tripped over the desk in the darkness. "Asleep already? She really doesn’t give me much credit." He crept to the bed and tapped on the protruding shoulder. "Wake up! I’m here for you." He pulled the blanket aside and quickly covered Kasumi’s mouth before she could scream.

"Ryoga? What are you doing in here?"

"Sorry, wrong room." Ryoga hastily climbed back out the window and crept along the wall to the next bedroom. He carefully raised his head and peered into the room – and found the room peering back.

"Akane’s room is the next window down," said Nabiki, not bothering to point; the more directions Ryoga was given, the less chance he would be able to follow them.

"Thank you," whispered Ryoga, moving on to the next window. He slowly poked his head into the room, half expecting to see Kasumi still lying awake in bed, startled by his earlier entrance, or Ranma, or –

"Ryoga! I’m so glad you’re here!" said Akane. "I need your help."

"I’m here for you, Akane," said Ryoga, climbing into the room. "I’ll make sure nothing happens to Ranma while you sleep."

"Thanks, Ryoga!" Akane hesitated. "But – how did you know what I needed?"

Ryoga slid his hand behind his head and laughed. "Well, I guess you could say a little black pig told me. Ha ha!"

Akane shrugged. "Have you seen P-chan then? He ran out of here only a few minutes ago to take a bath, but I know he’s not in the bathroom because I just checked there. It’s not like him to disappear like that at this time of night."

"I’m sure he’ll turn up." Ryoga scratched his chin. If he offered to watch Ranma all night, he couldn’t spend the night with Akane as P-chan, and the ruse would be over. "Actually, I just remembered I have a training exercise tonight."

Akane’s face fell. "But you just said you’d help!"

"I’m sorry, Akane, but this training exercise is in the famous Fairy Garden of Cha’ching, which only appears once every thousand years. It’s the chance of a lifetime that I really can’t pass up."

"That’s all right. I understand. I’m sure that this must be a bit awkward for you after what happened earlier..."

"No! That’s not it at all! I told you I’d help you, and I will!" Once I come up with a plan, he failed to add aloud. Suddenly, he had it. "Just because I can’t personally watch Ranma all night doesn’t mean that I can’t help you. In fact, I know exactly who to ask."

"Really? Who?"

Ryoga smiled slyly. "Mousse. I can’t think of a better bodyguard, and once we tell him that Cologne’s planning something to make Ranma fall in love with Shampoo, he’ll be more than willing to help."

"Ryoga, you’re brilliant!"

"I know." Ryoga bowed deeply, then jumped out the window.

"Ryoga, wait!" called Akane. "By the time you find him, it’ll be morning already!" She landed next to Ryoga and motioned for him to follow her. "I’ll lead the way."

"Thank you, Akane." Ryoga had no trouble keeping Akane in his sights as she led him toward Mousse’s apartment.

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Shampoo climbed the stairs to the apartment above the Cat Café where she was staying, weary from a long night of waiting on customers and cleaning tables. When she opened her apartment door, Mousse was already inside, waiting for her. "Mousse, what you doing here? This Shampoo apartment."

"I’ve been waiting for you, Shampoo," the half-blind Amazon replied.

"Shampoo only downstairs, cleaning tables."

Mousse stood up and took Shampoo in his arms. "I meant that I’ve been waiting for you – all my life. The time has come tonight for me to announce my love for you."

Shampoo backed away in surprise. "Mousse? Shampoo not understand –"

"What’s to understand? I love you, Shampoo, and I always have." Before Shampoo could protest, Mousse grabbed her by the arms and pulled her close to himself, then kissed her passionately. At first she seemed to be enjoying the kiss as much as Mousse was, but then she began to pull away. Mousse opened his eyes to see a vague black shadow pulling Shampoo away from him. He doggedly held on with one hand while his other hand summoned a fistful of daggers with a flourish. "Don’t worry, Shampoo, I’ll save you!"

"AIYA!" screamed Shampoo. "Ranma, save Shampoo! Where Ranma?"

Mousse launched the daggers at the shadow and heard them thunk into the wall behind, not disturbing the shadow at all. He pulled at Shampoo’s outstretched arm, but the shadow dragged her in with more force yet, pulling her entire body into its opaque depths. "Just hang on, Shampoo. Mousse is here for you!" he shouted, grabbing Shampoo’s remaining free arm in both hands.

"Ranma! Ranma!" screamed Shampoo as the black mass covered her head.

"Shampoo... even as I stand here fighting with my every last ounce of strength, she still calls for Ranma! Why? It is as if I do not even exist!" Shampoo’s hand was jerked from Mousse’s grip and vanished into the shadow. Mousse raised his glasses and drew his weapons, planning to go down fighting if the shadow should turn on him next. But the shadow simply waited and watched, as Mousse’s eyes finally focused enough to see the shape of his enemy...

"Give me back my Shampoo, you deformed monster!" he screamed, sitting up in his bed and reaching for the creature. The shadow smacked him in the face with an open palm.

"Who are you calling a deformed monster?" shouted a voice that Mousse couldn’t help but recognize. He felt a weight pressing down on his chest and fought against the repeated blows to his face to get out the name that was on the tip of his tongue.

"Akane Tendo? What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

"What making noise?" asked a sleepy Shampoo, rubbing her eyes as she slowly made her way into the room. "Why so loud?" She looked up and froze when she saw the intruders in the room. "What YOU doing here?"

"None of your business, Shampoo!" replied Akane through clenched teeth. "My business here is with Mousse."

Shampoo looked at Akane as she sat atop Mousse’s chest, then at Mousse, then at Akane again. She blinked. "Oh... Shampoo understand. Akane take Mousse, and Shampoo take Ranma!" Shampoo smiled broadly. "Shampoo accept!"

"That’s not what’s going on!" shouted Akane, leaping off of the bed. "I just came to ask Mousse for a favor!"

"You want fight?" asked Shampoo. "Winner get Ranma!"

"No!" shouted Mousse. He leapt off of the bed and threw his arms around Ryoga. "Don’t fight over him, Shampoo! I’m the one you want!" Both Akane and Shampoo braced themselves for Ryoga’s attack, but Ryoga didn’t even bat an eye.

"I’m Ryoga," he said calmly. "Shampoo is by the door."

"Oh?" Mousse squinted into Ryoga’s face, then turned and knelt at Akane’s feet. "Please, Shampoo, I beg you!" Akane kicked him in the face. Shampoo grabbed Mousse’s glasses from the nightstand and slipped them onto his face. "Shampoo!"

"Shampoo not want marry Mousse," said Shampoo, crossing her arms. "Shampoo want marry Ranma. But Ranma not want to marry Shampoo... yet."

Akane raised a fist. "What do you mean ‘yet?’"

Shampoo’s smile turned evil. "You learn soon." Shampoo blew Akane a kiss, twirled on her heel, and walked out of the room.

"Hey!" fumed Akane. "What are you doing to Ranma?" Mousse stepped in front of the door, preventing Akane from following Shampoo. "Out of the way, Mousse!"

Mousse spread his arms. "No. Leave Shampoo be. Your business is with me, remember?"

Akane growled and raised her fists. "I won’t need your help once I find out what’s going on!"

Ryoga placed a hand on Akane’s shoulder. "Akane, do you really think Shampoo will tell you? Our best bet now is to convince Mousse to help us counter Cologne’s intentions."

Akane suddenly froze. "That’s a good point, Ryoga. Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You’re making an unusual amount of sense tonight."

Ryoga smiled. "For the first time in my life, I’m thinking clearly. Now, ask Mousse to help us."

Akane nodded. "Mousse, we believe that Cologne is going to try to do something to Ranma tonight. We need you to watch him and make sure nothing happens to him overnight."

Mousse crossed his arms. "What makes you think I would want to help Ranma? If it wasn’t for him, Shampoo would marry me!"

"Think about it," said Ryoga. "You love Shampoo, right?"

"There can be no doubt about that," agreed Mousse.

"But she won’t even consider you because she loves Ranma," continued Ryoga. "Now, what’s stopping her from marrying Ranma?"

"The fact that Saotome refuses to return her affection," said Mousse, clenching an angry fist at the very thought of Ranma’s audacity.

"So what happens if Cologne gets to Ranma and forces him to fall in love with Shampoo?" asked Akane.

"Then Shampoo will be lost to me forever!" shouted Mousse in despair.

"Now are you convinced?" asked Akane.

"I am convinced that Ranma must die!"

"Idiot!" screamed Akane, smashing Mousse on the head with her fist. "Cologne wants Ranma to fall in love with Shampoo! If she succeeds, Shampoo will marry Ranma! Is that what you want?"

Mousse straightened up and rubbed his head. "All right, I see the merits of your plan. If it will keep Ranma from marrying my Shampoo, I will help you."

Ryoga nearly slapped himself in the head. ‘What am I doing?’ he asked himself. ‘If Cologne does manage to convince Ranma to marry Shampoo, then Akane will be mine for the taking!’ He hastily formulated an argument that would convince Mousse not to help out. "Actually, Mousse..." He did a double take. Neither Mousse nor Akane was in the room.

Ryoga quickly climbed to the roof in time to see which direction Akane and Mousse were headed and began to follow them. Not only did he have to make it back to the Tendo dojo quickly, he had to make it before Akane did. There was no chance of that if he got lost again. Fortunately, he managed to keep his quarry in view until the familiar stone garden and koi pond became visible from the rooftops. He charged ahead and dove into the pond, swimming out just as Akane and Mousse leapt into the yard.

"P-chan! There you are!" shouted Akane, scooping Ryoga up into her arms and carrying him into the house. He settled himself down for another blissful night with Akane while she thanked Mousse and showed him to Ranma’s room, then turned in for the night. Ryoga was half-asleep before he remembered that he needed to get rid of Mousse. He considered the matter, then decided to forget about it. If Cologne were planning to strike tonight, one guard wouldn’t stop her.

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Mousse sighed. It had been a boring night so far, and it didn’t look like it was going to get any better. He’d grown weary of playing cat’s cradle with garrote wire hours ago, and was now juggling daggers to keep himself busy. Akane was probably imagining things...

A hand grabbed the window ledge, and an intruder climbed into the room. Mousse put his daggers away and stepped between the intruder and Ranma. "Halt, intruder! What business have you here?"

The intruder drew a familiar bokken. "Move aside, Amazon. My conflict, though it grieves my heart so, is not with you, and so your life, worthless to me though it is, might be spared should you but make the wise decision not to intervene."

"I’m afraid I can’t do that, Kuno," replied Mousse. "I’ve been commissioned to protect Ranma for the night. You weren’t in my job description, but as an Amazon my word is my bond under any circumstances."

Kuno’s bokken punctuated the air. "Your word weighs not heavily against the very life of my sister! For it was Ranma Saotome who spirited her away in the night as she toiled to make herself beautiful for him. I saw the sorcerer leap from her bedroom window with my own eyes and would have given chase had he not vanished as I watched."

"Hate to tell you this, Kuno, but you’ve got the wrong pigtailed martial artist. Ranma’s been sleeping here since sunset."

"Then you have been guarding a doppelganger! Would that I had not seen this fiend on my lawn, and my sister yet slept safely in her bed; but alas, such a turn of events would be heavenly, and it is well known that the firmament separates the heavenly from the earthly. That is why the sorcerer Ranma Saotome must die!"

Mousse blinked invisibly behind his glasses. "You say you saw him on your lawn? That’s outside, right?" Kuno nodded. "And it was nighttime, meaning that the outside would have been dark, right?" Another nod. "So how can you be sure that it was really Ranma you saw?"

Kuno grabbed Mousse’s glasses from his face. "Unlike you, I have no need of extraneous optical instruments, for my vision is perfect. Our eyes met not an hour ago. There can be no mistake that the one I saw was Ranma Saotome."

Mousse snatched his glasses back. "Be that as it may, you’ll have to wait until tomorrow to vent your anger on Ranma." He drew two fistfuls of daggers. "Tonight, your fight will be with me."

Kuno posed dramatically. "Very well then. By interposing between myself and the evil one you prove yourself to also be on the side of evil. Therefore I shall destroy you both!" He tried to strike at Mousse, but found his arms and legs tied securely.

Mousse shook his head. "In a case of dramatic tension versus martial arts skill, I win every time."

"That was cheating!" protested Kuno. "Tying me up while I accepted your challenge is dirty!"

Mousse simply smiled. "You should have been paying attention."

"I must submit to your superior awareness tactics, Amazon. I shall retreat for the time being. But mark my words, I will return on the morrow to settle my account with Ranma!" He leapt to the windowsill and vaulted out onto the lawn, landing on his face. He struggled briefly to escape his bonds before giving up and lying still in the grass. "That hurt, you know."

Mousse stared out the window as long as he could stand to – a whole thirty seconds – before returning to his appointed task. "What an idiot."

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Kasumi awoke early in the morning, still slightly disturbed by her rude awakening at the hands of Ryoga. She quickly dressed and made her way to the kitchen to begin cooking breakfast. As she turned the stove up, she heard a dull moan coming from outside. She slid the dining room door open and found a body that had been tied up and thrown into the yard. "Is that... Tatewaki Kuno?"

"You are correct, fair Kasumi," answered Kuno. "I was most unfairly placed here, and in this condition, by a guest of your family’s."

"Guest? I don’t remember any guest."

"Very well. It may be no concern of yours in any case. I need to see Ranma."

"He’s not awake yet, but I can pass a message along if you’d like."

"That will not suffice. My business must be conducted in person," said Kuno coldly.

"Oh dear," gasped Kasumi. "Well, I’m just about to start breakfast. Would you like to come in and join us?"

"I’m afraid that won’t be possible," replied Kuno.

"Very well," said Kasumi. "Feel free to come in if you change your mind." She closed the door and returned to her cooking.

"Not that I do not wish to join you for your morning repast," continued Kuno, addressing the unheeding wall. "I simply cannot, lacking knife or other implement with which to remove the ropes." He stared impotently up at the window of Ranma’s bedroom, beyond which lay his bokken and his only hope of escape. He sighed and returned to his brooding.

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The familiar smell of breakfast was a bit late getting to Akane’s room that morning. By the time it reached her nostrils, she had already been awakened by the familiar sounds of breakfast...

"Hey, pop! I already claimed the last sausage!"

"Now listen here Ranma. As your father, I am your elder as well as your mentor. Therefore, the last sausage should be mine!"

There was a brief pause, followed by a splash. "Ha! Now you can’t eat sausage at all!"

"Growrf!"

Akane sighed and climbed out of bed, bumping into Mousse on her way to the closet. "Excuse me," said the Amazon. "I thought this was the bathroom."

"And I thought Ryoga was the only one who got lost," murmured Akane.

Mousse shrugged. "Well, if you squint, that desk kind of resembles a toilet, doesn’t it?"

Akane squinted. "If you squint REALLY hard... it looks like a slightly out-of-focus desk."

Mousse put his glasses on. "I see." He cleared his throat. "Anyway, your fears about great-grandmother were completely unfounded. She didn’t try anything last night."

"Oh. Well, thanks for helping out anyway."

"No problem. Besides, it wasn’t boring. Kuno broke in accusing Ranma of kidnapping his sister. If you ask me, that guy has a serious screw loose."

"You’re telling me. What happened?"

"He took a dive." Mousse drew his weapons demonstratively. "Real pushover."

Akane backed away defensively. "I’m – glad to hear it. Thank you, Mousse."

"Don’t thank me yet," said Mousse, leaping to the windowsill. "Kuno’s going to get his hands on Ranma any second now."

Akane joined Mousse at the window as the dining room door slid open and Ranma flew out into the yard toward the koi pond. He was intercepted by Kuno, who had finally managed to work himself to a standing position just in time to receive a faceful of Ranma.

"Ha! In your face, old man!" taunted Ranma, seconds before he realized exactly what had saved him from a watery fate. "Kuno!"

"Ranma! Prepare to die!" shouted Kuno, snapping the ropes that bound him as if they were mere threads.

"Funny, I always thought that was Ryoga’s line," quipped Ranma.

"Your words mean nothing to me, Saotome," said Kuno, reaching behind his back. "How forgetful of me. My weapon lies abandoned within."

"Looks like a good time for me to exit," whispered Mousse. "Good luck keeping Ranma out of great-grandmother’s hands." He leapt out of the window, then screamed as he realized that he was about to collide with Kuno on his way up to Ranma’s window. The two crashed in midair, sending Kuno straight to the ground and Mousse flying into the pond.

"Curse you, Amazon!" shouted Kuno. "You promised me no interference come morning!" Having finished his brief tirade, he quickly realized that Mousse was nowhere to be seen. "Have you no honor, running away before the fight is over?"

"Quack," replied Mousse.

Kuno scratched his chin. "A duck in a koi pond? How strange."

Ranma sighed. "You just don’t get it, do you Kuno?"

Kuno whirled and grabbed Ranma by the arm. "My understanding may not be entirely clear, but this I know: You, Ranma Saotome, hold my sister in your insidious clutches. I demand her immediate release, or you will not leave my sight alive!"